Austin Knight & Mark Lawrenson
Now that the weather has become a tad inclement, I have noticed that everyone up Scropton Street back snicket wears woolly jumpers that are at least one size too small, including me. However, we are a tight knit community!
The wife has been missing for well over a week now and the police called round last night and told me to expect the worst. So, this morning, I’ve had to go to the charity shop and get all her clothes back…
Granny always buys and wraps my Christmas presents many months in advance. Last year she got me a lovely dog skeleton.
The new Marks & Spencer advert says: “It wouldn't be Christmas without M & S”. This is correct, because without M & S it would spell Chrita...
Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert are languishing in their local pub, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife one evening, just nattering, when Nora suddenly asks: "If I died, would you re-marry?" "Probably" Albert answered. "You would?" Nora asked, a bit surprised. "Would you let her come into my house?" "I suppose so." "Would she be cooking in my kitchenette?" "She most certainly would!" "Would she be soaking her corns in my foot spa?" "She would!" "Would she be putting all her gansies in my wardrobe?" "I would think so!" Growing more exasperated, Nora continued asking: "Would she be driving my Reliant Robin?" "She would!" "Would she be kipping in my bed?" "She would!" "Would she be using my golf clubs?" "Oh, no, definitely not." Albert said. Nora asked him: "Why not?" Albert replied: "Because she’s left-handed." That’s when the fight started!
Dastardly Derek owned a public house in the Stalybridge area. The Department of Social Security and Pensions heard that he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an agent down to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.” demanded the agent. "Well", replied the Derek, "There’s my chef, who’s been with me for three years. I pay him £500 a week plus free room and board. The barmaid has been here for eighteen months, and I pay her £300 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the moron who works about twenty hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 a week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of red wine every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally." "That’s the guy I want to talk to, the moron," says the agent. ”That would be me", replied Dastardly Derek….
Some friends in my local pub ‘The Pit Bull and Stanley Knife’ had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a chocolate bar. "What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?" "Low in calories" and "lots of fibre" was among the ensuing answers. She then proceeded to detail what was exactly wrong with eating chocolate and concluded thus, "Apples are not only more healthy, but also less expensive. Are you aware that I paid 75p for this bar of chocolate?" They all stared, as she held aloft the forbidden treat. From the back of the room a small voice spoke up, "I’ll give you three quid for it!"
The famous actor Richard Gere has a brother who is a ventriloquist. His name is Gotler. I was doing a gig last week and was engaged at Fisons Fertilisers Football Club at Fiddlers Ferry. I worked with Gotler Gere, who is an excellent ventriloquist. He was going through his routine and launched into a run of silly blonde jokes, which I thought were quite harmless, when all of a sudden, a blonde woman in the first row stood up and bawled: “Okay, stoopid, I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes…. what makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person’s physical attributes have to do with their value as a human being? It’s cretins like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the general community from reaching my full potential as a person; because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large… all in the name of humour!” Flustered, Gotler began to profoundly apologise, when suddenly, the blonde pipes up: “You shut up and stay out of this Mister – I’m talking to that little guy on your knee!!”