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Friday 10 August 2012

Olympic Latest!

He could stick it in his ear and pretend to be a petrol pump.

Olympic official sez to this athlete, "Are you a pole vaulter?" The guy replies, "Nein, I am German undt my name is Hans"....

Chinese & South Korean Badminton players were spotted outside Toys 'R Us earlier today giving games away...

Breaking News: The Irish Olympic Team have just arrived in Beijing.....

OLYMPIC LATEST! Albania have just taken Gold, Silver, Bronze, Copper, Brass and Lead, plus any other scrap metal that was not nailed down!!

Olympic Sailing Results are just in! Britain have taken gold. USA have taken silver. Somalia have taken a wealthy middle-aged couple from Weymouth....

BBC News Olympic pundits have commented, "It's impossible to knock five seconds off your personal best." Not true. I managed it yesterday whilst watching the beach volleyball.

Wimmin soccer referees are incredible! They blow the whistle when there is a foul and as per usual the player remonstrates, and sez, "What was that for ref?" She just puts her hands on her hips and replies, "Well, if you don't know, I'm not gonna tell you".....

Bought a 52" plasma TV last night for £35! There's a problem with the volume control, but at that price, I couldn't turn it down

Q) What do Las Vegas and Wigan have in common?
A) You can buy sex in return for chips in both places.

In Boots chemist, upon perusing the instructions on the label of KY Jelly. It sez, "Avoid eye contact." I can only assume that means at the checkout...

  I recently went to the doctors for a check-up. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A bit concerned about that comment, I said, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or spirits?' 'Oh no,' I replied. Then she asked, 'Do you eat red meat?' 'I said, 'Not much"

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or cycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.

She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said...    'Well,' she said, 'why the f**k do you want to live till you're 80 then?'

BA launched a new Olympics themed advert yesterday which is quite clever BUT the REALLY clever bit is you can put in any UK postcode or address (or try both) and, thanks to CGI and Google Maps, the advert will include the B777 taxiing up your road! Put your Postcode in the box just to the left of the "Go"
Click on:

I am currently sailing the med on a brand new vessel, the magnificent Carnival Breeze.  It is a fun ship and apart from many brilliant facilities onboard, it has its very own comedy club.  Punchliner Comedy Club with George Lopez features at 7-30 and 8-30 pm a 'family-friendly' hour, and then after 9-45pm we go a little bit more risqué  and cater more for adults with the material.  We have been displaying 'House Full' signs every night and my picture below shows myself and my co-star scouser Tom Pepper have been receiving standing ovations each night.  Although in June, our initial audiences were all-American, this week we have had 40% Brits onboard.  Moreover, you can tell there is a scouser onboard, coz eight bells have gone, and the mizzenmast is mizzen!  Visit my website   or email me: Now, get back to work!

Tom Pepper & Austin Knight onboard Carnival Breeze
this week.

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