It must be a 'MAN' thing...

The missus (or Jurassic Park in knickers, as I lovingly refer to her) asked me if I would go to the local Co-op. She gave me strict instructions. She said, "Could you go and get one litre of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen” I dutifully returned with twelve litres of milk. She looked at me with much disdain, then ranted, "Why did you buy 12 cartons of milk?" With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied, "They had eggs."


Barmy Albert drove his Reliant Robin Interceptor 3 litre Ghia Hatchback Trans-Am 3x3 (twin carb with stabilisers) out of the garage. Taking off down the A57, he floored it to 32 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through the little wisp of hair he had left. "Wicked!" he thought as he glided down Hyde Road, getting caught in the slipstream of a milk float. In his rear view mirror, he spied a police car, blue lights flashing and siren wailing. "I can get away from him, no mither!" thought Albert as he pressed the pedal to the metal and floored it to 43, then 45, then 47 mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What in Harry Hill am I doing? I’m too old for all this gubbins!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the jam butty car to catch up with him. Five seconds later, pulling in behind him, the efficient policeman ambled up to the driver’s side of the Reliant Robin, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes."Today is Friday, and I’m off to Rhyll for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you off." Barmy Albert looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Many years ago, my wife ran off with a copper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the bobby.

I ordered Pelican Tandoori at my local Indian restaurant last night. It was delicious, but the bill was enormous!

I sez to my dentist "What would you recommend for yellow teeth?" She replied "How about a brown tie"...



Nick Clegg and the Liberal Democrats are very broadminded: they are always willing to give careful consideration to both sides of the same side.



Always observe proper etiquette. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it’s impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

So, I said to this woman, “Did you know that Halley's comet takes seventy-six years to travel once around the sun?” "Get out of here," she exclaimed. "It's true," I replied," Furthermore, did you know that Mozart was only five years old when he wrote the music of "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." "No, get out of here," she said again, "this is the ladies toilets!”

In my local newsagent yesterday, I asked the lady behind the counter, "Do you sell Bereavement cards?" She replied "Yes, sir." So I asked, "Could I exchange this ‘Get Well Soon’ card I bought last week?"

Thought for Thursday: I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire lane of cars teams up to prevent some heretic from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers, Mottram is ours!



Two things that you MUST do today: Smile and laugh. You cannot whack a good chortle!

Visit my website and Jokey-Blog and get your guffaw glands going!

Click on www.ComedianUK.com austin.knight@homecall.co.uk