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Sunday 23 April 2023

The Food Bank Farrago.....


I was up Scropton Street languishing in my local pub The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife last weekend and two blokes were discussing how their names matched their jobs. The first fella sez: "My name is Mike and I'm a singer." Whereas, the second guy replied: "Yeah, my name is Doug and I'm a gardener. Really weird isn't it." Meanwhile, two Scousers sitting at the next table maintained an uneasy silence. Their names were Nick and Rob.

Fascinating Fact: It's incredible how many French words are now used in the English language.
There's 'Hors D'oeuvers' for starters.

German chancellor Olaf Scholz was attending an economic summit in Athens and the passport control authority asked him: “Nationality?” He replied: “German.” Passport control asks: “Occupation?” Scholz says: “No. I’m only here for two days…”


It’s well documented that Rishi Sunak lives off his wife's money, whereas Dominic Raab lived off other folks dinner money...

Non-Stick Nora is organising a Coronation street party in May and asked Barmy Albert if he wanted to come. He said he did as long as he can go as Ken Barlow.

Many moons ago, I would visit many pubs and sit in the tap room to listen to the dubious characters that frequented the venue. There was a guy called Johnny Rocco in the Dog and Duck who maintained that “the CIA invented butter.” Crazy Frank in the Hare and Hounds was convinced that “the moon is a plate on a stick.” There were lots of these off-the-wall folk who were part of life’s rich tapestry in those halcyon days. I used to think, “What would it be like if they all actually met each other?” Fast forward to today and we have the internet and there they all are!

Fascinating Fact; Apparently cowboys used to tie a lantern to their horses saddle to help them see where they were going at night. It's the first known example of saddle light navigation.

I used to have a good friend whose name was Dan D'Lyon. He was an affable bloke, however his death was quite unusual. He wet the bed and his head popped off. Sad, but true….

Banks should do a lot better job keeping their ATM’s filled with cash. Five times this week it has said “Insufficient Funds.” Even the local food bank is not to be trusted. I deposited a tin of sardines in there a fortnight ago and when I went back to withdraw them last Monday, they’d gone!

We bought a water bed about eighteen months ago. Since that time, the wife and I have just drifted apart. A further mitigating factor is that her side has frozen over. Unfortunately, the writing was on the wall and I was well aware of the perils of having a water bed as my uncle Tommy sadly died in one. The house caught fire and he was poached to death!


I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds. Incredible!

Barmy Albert walked into his local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, sat down next to Non-Stick Nora and stared up at the telly as BBC News came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. Nora looked at Albert and declared: "Do you think he'll jump?" Albert replied: "You know what, I reckon he will." Nora thought for a moment and sez: "Well, I bet he won't." Barmy Albert placed a tenner on the bar and proclaimed: "You're on!" Just as Nora placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. Nora was most upset and handed her ten pound note to Albert saying: "Fair's fair... Here's your money." Albert replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the six o'clock news and I knew he would jump." Non-Stick Nora replied: "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again...."


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