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Monday 3 April 2023

the fearless Frenchman...


I’ve been scammed yet again! I paid a carpenter in advance to build me a bespoke double bed and found out he's done a bunk. It's just one thing on top of another!

Q) How do you get your average Frenchman to become a fearlessly brave and highly motivated fighting machine? A) Tell him that he has to work until he’s 64.

Chancellor Olaf Scholz flies into Athens to attend an economic summit. When he gets to Passport Control, the officer looks at his passport and asks, "Nationality?" He sez, "German." He answers, "Occupation?" He replies, "No, I'm only here for two days."

Any man who reckons marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn't understand two fundamental principles: 1) - Women. 2) – Fractions.

Because we were very poor, I was home schooled and my mother taught me to speak Japanese. Whenever the rent man knocked on the front door, I would answer and say to him “Shintin.”

When I was young, I remember sidling up to a girl in a nightclub and saying to her “Hey, good lookin’ what you got cookin’?” She replied: “Nothing spectacular, Dracula…” Oh dear. Hat and coat time already! Fast forward to last week and the doorman wouldn’t let me in because he thought “I’d had a few too many.” I replied “You mean drinks?” he sez: “No. I meant birthdays….”

I've set my bar so low that these days getting an extra bag of rubbish in just before the binmen turn up counts as an achievement. Isn’t life grand when you’re doo-lally!

A pipe burst in a solicitor’s house, so he called an emergency plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and then proceeded to hand the lawyer a bill for £600. The solicitor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a lawyer!” The plumber replied sympathetically, "Neither did I when I was a lawyer.”

Fascinating Fact; I had a deaf sheep dog. They are hard to come bye…

Barmy Albert told me that he’d left Non-Stick Nora breathless in bed last night. Apparently, he hid her inhaler.

Teacher asked kid in class: What are 1 and 3 and 15 and 71?' Kid quickly replied, 'BBC1, ITV, FILM4 and the CBEEBIES!'

I phoned BT Broadband coz of router malfunctions et cetera. The guy asked me if I was in front of my PC, so I confirmed that I was. He then sez: “Okay, right click on Tools, Accounts, Internet options…”. I replied: “Hang on. You’re going too fast!” He asked: ”What have you done up to now?” With all the dignity that I could muster, I replied: ”I’ve written click….”

Airports named after famous people: John Lennon and George Best. But who is Stan Sted ?..



I went shopping today in Aldi and I was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.” Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say: “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.” At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Granddad says again in a controlled voice: “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.” Well, I was really impressed, so I went outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the Grandad “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad.” “Thanks,” said the Granddad. “But I am William. The little bastards name is Kevin.”


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