The 237 bus was packed yesterday and there was a massive queue to board it. Suddenly, there was a ‘kerching’ on the pavement. One fella, however, bent down and picked summat up. He then asked, “Did anyone drop a two quid coin?” “I did,” answered five men in unison. “Well,” said the fella with a smile, “here’s two pence of it.” The moral of this story? If somebody ever says to you "it’s not the money, it’s the principle," then it’s definitely the money. Furthermore, the longer you wait in a queue the more likely it is to be the wrong queue.
Q) What is Man Utd goalkeeper André Onana’s favourite colour?
A) Indigo.
Who could it be? My top three assumptions whenever the doorbell rings are: 1) Mad axe murderer. 2) Jehovah’s Witnesses. 3) Amazon delivering that book I ordered about positive thinking.
Fascinating Fact: The EuroMillions lottery gives you a one in two hundred million chance you won't go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.
Take your pick, which one do you fancy? You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. Hobson’s Choice! If you want your significant other to listen and pay proper attention to every single word you utter, then you must talk in your sleep. Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. The wife (I call her ‘Viking’ – because she has a face like a Norse) isn’t speaking to me at the moment. This is all because I didn’t open the car door for her. Mind you, I panicked and swam to the surface! Then the other night I got home about 3 am, after a night out with the boys, and she started battering me about the head with a broom. I politely enquired, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?" Some folk just have no sense of humour whatsoever!
It’s so unfair! Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but a man’s best friend is his dog. Well now, its official! A dog is truly a man’s best friend! If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment: Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour. After an hour, when you open the boot, who is really happy to see you?
One day, Barmy Albert came home and was greeted by Non-Stick Nora dressed in a very sexy silk negligence. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything that you desire." So, Albert tied her up and went down to Wetherspoons.
Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle had to attend hospital recently. The consultant advised him after a thorough examination that he had “something very, very rare”. In a state of near panic, Tommy enquired: “What’s that then?” The consultant replied: “A bed.”
This strange fella was sitting inside my local pub The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife just staring intently at his drink. He stays like that, transfixed for over half-an-hour. Suddenly, this big trouble-making Scouse yobbo steps next to him takes the drink from the bloke and just guzzles it all down in one! The poor man starts crying. The yobbo sez: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a grown man crying." "No, it’s not that,” says the geezer. "Today is the worst day of my life. First, I over slept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was outraged and fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it had been stolen. The police said they could do nothing, so I got a cab to return home. After I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the taxi. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this pub. Then just when I was thinking about ending it all, you show up and drink my glass of cyanide!"
“I beg you doctor!” I proclaimed, shaking my unresponsive grandfather. “He urgently requires your assistance!”. The physician took one look and solemnly declared: “It’s too late.” I sez to him: “What do you mean. It’s too late?” He glanced at his Rolex and told me: “My shift finishes in ten minutes and I’m off down the Lap Dancing Bar.”
Time slows down as you approach the speed of light, but time flies when you’re having fun so if you walk slower, do you have more fun or do you just get more light? So, visit my website www.Comedian.ws and remember that one way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be unconscious. Oh! And happy Easter to you!
A) Indigo.
Who could it be? My top three assumptions whenever the doorbell rings are: 1) Mad axe murderer. 2) Jehovah’s Witnesses. 3) Amazon delivering that book I ordered about positive thinking.
Fascinating Fact: The EuroMillions lottery gives you a one in two hundred million chance you won't go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.
Take your pick, which one do you fancy? You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. Hobson’s Choice! If you want your significant other to listen and pay proper attention to every single word you utter, then you must talk in your sleep. Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. The wife (I call her ‘Viking’ – because she has a face like a Norse) isn’t speaking to me at the moment. This is all because I didn’t open the car door for her. Mind you, I panicked and swam to the surface! Then the other night I got home about 3 am, after a night out with the boys, and she started battering me about the head with a broom. I politely enquired, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?" Some folk just have no sense of humour whatsoever!
It’s so unfair! Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but a man’s best friend is his dog. Well now, its official! A dog is truly a man’s best friend! If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment: Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour. After an hour, when you open the boot, who is really happy to see you?
One day, Barmy Albert came home and was greeted by Non-Stick Nora dressed in a very sexy silk negligence. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything that you desire." So, Albert tied her up and went down to Wetherspoons.
Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle had to attend hospital recently. The consultant advised him after a thorough examination that he had “something very, very rare”. In a state of near panic, Tommy enquired: “What’s that then?” The consultant replied: “A bed.”
This strange fella was sitting inside my local pub The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife just staring intently at his drink. He stays like that, transfixed for over half-an-hour. Suddenly, this big trouble-making Scouse yobbo steps next to him takes the drink from the bloke and just guzzles it all down in one! The poor man starts crying. The yobbo sez: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a grown man crying." "No, it’s not that,” says the geezer. "Today is the worst day of my life. First, I over slept and was late to an important meeting. My boss was outraged and fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out it had been stolen. The police said they could do nothing, so I got a cab to return home. After I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the taxi. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this pub. Then just when I was thinking about ending it all, you show up and drink my glass of cyanide!"
“I beg you doctor!” I proclaimed, shaking my unresponsive grandfather. “He urgently requires your assistance!”. The physician took one look and solemnly declared: “It’s too late.” I sez to him: “What do you mean. It’s too late?” He glanced at his Rolex and told me: “My shift finishes in ten minutes and I’m off down the Lap Dancing Bar.”
Time slows down as you approach the speed of light, but time flies when you’re having fun so if you walk slower, do you have more fun or do you just get more light? So, visit my website www.Comedian.ws and remember that one way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be unconscious. Oh! And happy Easter to you!
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