"When I was just a little boy,
I asked my mother, what would I be,
Would I be handsome, would I be rich,
Here's what she said to me..... "
"NO!"
RIP Doris Day.
The missus had just got back from the garden centre, and I was busy watching Countdown, so was unable to assist her with unpacking the car and she was in a foul mood. As she was unloading various sacks of compost, she picked up a set of 4 solar garden lights, and proclaimed: 'I'm going to shove these where the sun don't shine'. I sez: 'Well, they're not going to work then’.... That’s when the fight started!
It becomes evident that you've put on a lot of weight, when you sit in the bath and the water in the toilet rises...
Thought for Thursday: "The Law locks up the man or woman, who steals a goose from off the common, but leaves the greater villain loose, who steals the common off the goose."
I just adore the free stuff that you get in hotels. Like shampoo, shower gel, soaps, tea, coffee, toilet rolls, 52” Plasma TV’s, electric kettles, Corby Trouser Presses, comfy chairs , duvets, fluffy towels ,copper piping and brass taps and lead flashing from the adjacent church roof et cetera.
The last thing my grandad said to me, before he kicked the bucket was; "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?
Quiz of the Week: A skirmish erupts during a wedding reception. This bloke pulls out a hand gun and shoots his grandfather, brother and uncle; however there is only one dead body. How is this possible? Answer: The wedding was held in Norfolk. Give us a high six!
Mary Berry Recipe Book! I tried to make octopus soup, yesterday, but it turned out to be an absolute disaster! It took me well over an hour to get the squirming, ambidextrous critter in the pan and then when I eventually got it up on the hob, the little devil kept turning the gas out!
Quote of the Century: “If you are first, you are first. If you are second, you are nothing.” Bill Shankly.
A copper stopped a Scouser coming out of Currys PC World. “I have reason to believe that you have been shoplifting, so I’m going to perform a search. Now tell me, do you have anything sharp in your pockets?” The Scouser replied, “No, officer. Only Sony and Panasonic!”
"When you were a little kid remember how difficult it was just to get a Kit-Kat? Well high up on the kitchen worktop, unless your mum was really fastidious, then they'd be right on the very top shelf of the kitchenette cabinet, miles out of reach. Absolutely nowhere on the wrapper of a Kit-Kat does it say, 'Keep out of reach of small children.' Where's the Domestos bleach and the Mr Muscle? Under the sink, right next to the rest of all the toxins."
Being an adult is a most unenviable existence. Some folk cannot let go of the past. Bailiffs are a notable example. Don’t forget the hordes of people meandering around Tesco, muttering to themselves: “I can’t believe I’ve forgotten the flamin’ carrier bags again!”
Life is akin to a party. You invite loads of people, some leave really early, whereas many stay all night long, some laugh with you, some laugh at you, and some show up very late. But in the end, after the fun, there are a few who stay to help you clean up the shambles. Generally, they aren’t even the ones who created all the turmoil. These people are not just your true friends in life. They are the only ones that matter. I am your friend and you can visit my website 24/7. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com. You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!
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