Boris has decreed that he is extending the roadmap from June 21st to 5th July and that we can only visit any countries that voted for us in the Eurovision Song Contest! Whitby here we come. Wahay! Staycations all round!
Boris was visiting an old folk’s home purely as a publicity stunt to show how sympathetic he was to the Covid problem in the elderly. He went up to nonagenarian Elsie Grabknuckle, who was in a wheelchair and sez: - “Do you know who I am?” “No, I don’t” she replied “but if you ask Matron, she will tell you.”
Oi! All you Millennials! If you think that you’re smarter than the previous generation, then think again! Fifty years ago, the owner’s manual of a car showed you how to adjust the valves. Nowadays, it warns you not to drink the contents of the battery! That’s coz you can’t fix stupid!
The taxi driver spouted inane drivel from the moment he picked me up. A barrage of unrelenting addlepated blather assaulted my lugholes. He informed me: “I just love my job, me. I’m self-employed. I’m my own boss and nobody ever tells me what to do.” I sez to him, “Next left here, mate.”
Last weekend, I visited a horrible pub called The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn....
Barmy Albert bought Non-Stick Nora a dozen pair of knickers that were on sale cheap up Scropton Street pound shop. They were all the same colour. Nora opined: “Why all the same colour? Folks will think I don’t ever change my panties!” Albert replied “Which folks?”
A mechanic owned a dog called ‘Mace’. Mace had a habit of eating all the grass on the mechanics lawn, so the mechanic had to keep the canine inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day, the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and accidentally dropped his wrench in the long grass. He couldn’t find it and it was getting dark, so he decided to call it a day. That night, Mace escaped from the house and promptly devoured all the grass in the backyard. The very next morning, the mechanic went outside and spotted his wrench glinting in the early morning sunlight. Upon realising what had occurred, he gazed up to the heavens and proclaimed: “A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me!” I’m here all week, folks!
The missus asked me what would stop the stairs creaking. Apparently, Weightwatchers was the incorrect answer. She fell downstairs last week and I thought Eastenders was starting!
Top Tip: If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead!
The missus didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday, so the UPS bloke knocked on our door to check she was okay.
Fascinating Fact: A dozen, a gross and a score plus three times the square root of four, divided by seven, plus five times eleven, is nine squared and not a bit more....
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