It’s been mooted that Boris will extend the lockdown for another month because of a yet another new variant, namely the Mexican Wave. Apparently, no Juan will see it coming! Furthermore, it only takes one person to start it and then the rest of the UK will be up in arms about it! Just when there was light at the end of the tunnel, Boris orders more tunnel.
Top Tip: If a Jehovah’s Witness knocks on your door, just knock back from the inside and they’ll go away.
Fascinating Fact: Tom Jones Guide to Genetics: XX = Female. XY = Male. YYY = Delilah.
A woman went to A & E at the local hospital, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about two minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. Then, the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's office. "What the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant!" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: "Does she still have the hiccups? I’m hoping they find a cure for hiccups. However, I’m not holding my breath!
What’s the difference between a house and a home? A house is what you live in; a home is where your kids want to send you.
The times they are a changin’! When I was young, I was very poor. Now, after many years of hard work, I am no longer young. Moreover, I have learned a lot from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I spotted this notice on a farm gate. ‘The farmer allows ramblers to cross this field for free, but the bull charges.’ The only thing that’s worse than a bull that doesn’t like you is one that does. The farmer told me that he had 57 sheep and could I round them up for him. I replied: “Yeah. Call it 60....”
Chester Zoo was given the go-ahead to reopen, after thousands of furloughed flamingos put their foot down.
Sometimes, you meet someone and you know from the first moment that you want to spend your whole life without them.
Barmy Albert was at a job interview when the boss handed him his Apple iPad and sez, "I want you to try and sell me this." So Albert bunged it in his rucksack, sprinted out of the place, went to The Pit-bull and Stanley Knife pub and ordered himself a pint of Farquarharsons Old and Filthy Best British Bitter Beer. The boss phoned Albert’s mobile and angrily shouted, "Bring that iPad back here immediately!" Barmy Albert replies, "£250 and it's yours, matey!"
Life is akin to a party. You invite loads of people, some leave really early, whereas many stay all night long, some laugh with you, some laugh at you, and some show up very late. But in the end, after the fun, there are a few who stay to help you clean up the shambles. Generally, they aren’t even the ones who created all the turmoil. These people are not just your true friends in life. They are the only ones that matter. I am your friend and you can visit my website 24/7. Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com. You can email me: email@example.com. Now, get back to work!
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