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Saturday 19 June 2021

Only 3 more lockdowns until Christmas, folks!


It’s official! June 21st is the longest day in the UK. It now lasts for four weeks, until July 19th. Bozo Boris, Hopeless Hancock and Gormless Gove have kindly granted us this new holiday. We must show our appreciation next time it’s polling day. It won't be Pritti! There are only two types of Tory voters. The millionaires and the misguided. To ascertain exactly which one you are, look in your wallet.

Barmy Albert loves wearing a mask when he goes to the supermarket, because he doesn’t have to put his teeth in. Moreover, Non-Stick Nora reckons that she can’t stand cricket because “It’s just some bloke hitting a ball with a piece of wood.” She likes snooker though!     Who’d a thowt it?


Lads! Listen up! If you want to make your significant other feel really special, then put a picture of her up in the kitchenette and write ‘Employee of the Month’ underneath it. She’ll absolutely adore it! Follow this column for more relationship tips.

On Euro footie, the Sweden – Denmark game was displayed on the scoreboard as:  SWE-DEN. The missing letters are DEN-MARK. Fascinating!

Persil have just invented a washing powder so strong that it can remove Staines from Middlesex.

When I bought the missus the new Mary Berry cook book, there was a full page that contained the recipe of Escargots à la Bourguignonne and as she wanted to try out more exotic cuisines, she dispatched me one night to the French food wholesaler to procure her some fresh snails. On the way back I bumped into Barmy Albert who mentioned that our local pub, the Pitt-Bull and Stanley Knife were having a special night featuring a stripper and a meat raffle. We both took full advantage of this magnanimous occasion and the pair of us got paralytic drunk! Well, there I was staggering back home and I eventually lurched up to the front door and whilst extricating the keys from my pocket, I inadvertently dropped the bag of snails. They all fell out, split and ended up covering the front door step. My wife opened the front door and said "Where the hell have you been until this time?" With all the dignity that I could muster, I pointed at the snails on the front path and shouted to them: "Come on lads, we’re nearly there!" That’s when the fight started!

It does my head in when some people say "I'm a vegetarian, except for fish". Oh Yeah! Well, I'm a teetotaller, except for beer....


Fascinating Fact: Did you know that Roy Rogers horse Trigger used to call him Dave?

My little dog Alfie won't stop barking at me! I think that he's asking to call in the betting shop, after which he wants to go walkies down the pub to watch the footie. Then he would like to have an hour at the lap-dancing bar. After that, he wants to pick up a curry on the way home! The sacrifices I have to make.....


Why is ballet pronounced ballet and wallet pronounced wallet but not wallet? What if your name is Siobhan and you live in Cholmondeley? The English language is totally weird. It can be understood better by using tough, thorough thought though....

If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website and continue the quest! Email


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