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Tuesday, 4 May 2021

In the pub beer garden on Bank Holiday Monday....

 

                                         




The police came to my front door on Bank Holiday Monday, holding a picture of the missus, then asked me: "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered: “Yes, it is.” They informed me: “I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus". I sez: "I know, but she has a jovial personality and she’s very good with the dogs.”



I sez to the local vicar: "Hello father, this is a really architecturally splendid church. What period is it from?" He replied: "It’s Norman." I sez: "Sorry, Norman, this is a really architecturally splendid church, what period is it from?”



Thursday Thought: The Woke movement is pure decadence. It’s an indulgence in luxury beliefs.

                                           



Fascinating Fact: When Lord Nelson died, he was 5 feet tall. However, his statue in London is 15 feet tall. That’s Horatio of 3;1.



During lockdown, I bought a chicken to make sandwiches, but all it does is poo all over the kitchenette floor.



I wrote to BBC Gardeners Question Time and asked: “I was gardening last week and after digging the flower bed, I discovered a rag and bone mans bugle, should I root-it-oot?” I’m still awaiting a reply.



Barmy Albert sez to me: "Non-Stick Nora drives like lightning." I replied: "You mean she drives fast?" Albert sez: "No, she hits trees."

                   



Thought for Thursday: If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done!



I bumped into my next-door neighbour Barmy Albert up near Scropton Sreet Gasworks. He had two black eyes. I asked him what had happened. He replied, "I was standing behind a rather large woman at the supermarket checkout, I noticed that her dress was caught in the nape of her derriere, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye." "Wow! Where did you get the other shiner from?" I politely enquired. "Well, I figured she preferred it the way it was before, so I pushed it back in."


                                     


Men often misinterpret exactly what message women are endeavouring to convey. Women are very fickle, so they are. Exercise extreme caution! Now read on: The wife phoned me the other day and the conversation went thus:

Her: “You know that Spartacus Gladiator box set that I got you?”

Me: “What about it?”

Her: “Put Volume 2 in the DVD player. Forward it exactly one hour, 16 minutes and 28 seconds.”

Me: “Right, I’ve done that”

Her: “Okay, you see the gladiator at the front, fighting the lion!”

Me: “I can see that, yeah.”

Her: “Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!”

Me: “Okay, I see them.”

Her: “Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there’s a gladiator guarding the gate holding a spear.”

Me: “Yes! I can see him!”

Her: Can you see his feet?

Me: Yes, I can!

Her: Right! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday!”

   

             

                              




Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

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