I was up Scropton Street shivering in the freezing cold beer garden of my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife, when the barman asked me: "What would you like?" "What would I like?" I informed him: "An end to all this lockdown, quarantine, social distancing, mask wearing gubbins, maybe a magical cure for Covid that would eradicate the virus globally. Perhaps, a holiday abroad or my work as a comedian returning to normal or a missus that doesn’t nag as much." "No!" exclaimed the barman patiently. "I meant what do you want?" "To win the Euro Millions lottery or for my mother-in-law to relocate to a far pavilion?" "What's it to be?" says the barman, now displaying less patience. "For all the debt I’ve accrued during the pandemic to just disappear into the ether" "You misinterpret what I am saying;" sez the barman, now getting annoyed, "I only asked what you want to drink." "Oh," I exclaimed, “I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?" "Nothing at all," sez the barman. "I had a full Covid test last week, it was negative and I’ve also had my second Astra Zeneca vaccine jab."
Lads! Listen up! Are you struggling to get your wife’s attention? Just sit down and look comfortable.
I never realised how anti-social I was, until there was a pandemic and my life didn’t change one jot or scintilla whatsoever!
The memsaab asked me if I had seen the dogs bowl. I replied, "I didn't know they could!”
Moreover, Non-Stick Nora asked Barmy Albert: “If they have a referee in football and an umpire in cricket, then what do they have in bowls?” Albert thought for a minute and replied: “Goldfish?”
David Beckham's son arrived for training and asked the coach "What number shirt shall I wear?" The coach replied "Wear four out there, Romeo." Apologies to The Bard.
Hotel guest calls the reception desk and the clerk answers "May I help you?" The bloke shouts: "Yes, I'm in room 242. You need to send someone up immediately. I'm having an argument with the missus and she sez she's gonna jump out the window." The receptionist replied: "I'm terribly sorry sir, but that's a personal issue." The man replies "Listen, I can’t get the window open and that's surely a maintenance issue!"
It’s very sad to see Eamonn Holmes on a TV advert declaring he’s having to release a tax- free lump sum from his home. You’d have thought he would have put a few shillings to one side after being on prime time telly for forty odd years. Who’d a thowt it?
I got stopped up Scropton Street by a lady conducting a survey. "What do you know about The Borrowers?" she asked. "Very little" I replied.
There’s a recipe by Mary Berry and she sez that you can use ‘leftover beer’ to make battered chicken wings. What exactly is leftover beer? I was also trying to construct Mary Berry’s Octopus soup. What a flamin’ fiasco! It took me two hours to get the little critter in the pan, then when I eventually got it up on the hob, it kept turning the gas off!
Hey, listen up! Do I need psychiatric assistance! Nope. I am perfectly okay in this nice white jacket that lets me hug myself. Although some days, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps! You’d be daft not to visit my website though. Just clickety-click on: http://www.comedian.ws and strike the pose! Email me on comedianuk@sky.com . Now, get back to work! The summer is a-comin’!!
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