On Monday the 12th of April, although it was Baltic conditions and so cold that I had to wear two pairs of bootlaces; I decided to visit my local, The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife public house, in order to take full advantage of the easing of lockdown farrago. Imagine my surprise, when the Ethel the barmaid asked me to download the NHS Covid app, before I could be admitted to the outside beer garden, via the empty pub. When I got outside (from being already outside!) it was so cold that I deleted the NHS Covid app and installed the NHS Hypothermia app. I answered all the questions and I got a positive test! I actually had hypothermia! I was frozen solid, so went home for a warm, where I received a frosty reception from the missus.
This time last year, I wrote in this column: “Just had a great idea! If the lockdown continues until December then we could have 6 foot long Christmas crackers!” I’m now wondering if it will continue until Christmas 2021?
Thursday Thought: I’m not an enthusiastic devotee of litotes, but I do reckon that hyperbole is the finest thing in the whole universe.
Some really amusing oxymoron’s are: Fun run, found missing, open secret, small crowd, act naturally, fully empty, pretty ugly, original copy, only choice, liquid gas. However, the best of the crop must be either: Social distancing or comedian Paddy McGuinness.
Yet another lockdown argument between me and the missus ensued yesterday. She told me that now all the non-essential shops are back open and she had a bag full of used clothes to donate to the charity outlet. I advised her to just take it to the tip, because that’d be a lot easier. She opined: “But there are poor, starving folk who could really use all these clothes.” When I replied: “Anyone who can fit into your clothes, certainly isn’t starving.” That’s when the fight started!
The missus reckoned that to alleviate the lockdown monotony, I should go into the garden and make a bird table, which I dutifully did. However, she went absolutely ballistic when I put her in fifth place. There’s no pleasing some folk.
Top tip: Never do anything that you’d be ashamed to tell a paramedic...
Non-Stick Nora made Barmy Albert a tongue sandwich. He complained that he was unable to consume anything that came from an animal’s mouth. So Nora gave him a boiled egg.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. However, a wider window of opportunity can be obtained during Easter and Bank Holiday Monday on any year.
A helium atom walks into a bar. The barman says, "We don't serve noble gases here." The atom didn't react. He wasn’t wearing a mask and hadn’t downloaded the NHS Covid app.
Another Covid side-effect is malady is paranoid amnesia. You can't remember who you don't trust...
If Aliens looked down from their spaceship and witnessed us humans picking up dog poo, then who would they think are the dominant species?
Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com
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