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Monday, 5 April 2021

The Long Easter - Good Friday - Bank Holiday Monday Lockdown Limbo Lunacy Lark....


What with all the raves and illegal gatherings that occurred nationwide when we had that sunny spell last week, police have now been given the power to break up groups. Can they start with Coldplay?


It was so cold over the Easter weekend. I saw a Scouser with his hands in his own pockets!

Many moons ago, they built a place in Liverpool called Knowsley Safari Park and it was constructed adjacent to a massive council estate. The tenants association took umbrage and vehemently complained, citing the horrendous situation that would ensue, if a lion or a gorilla escaped. The Lord Mayor advised that if this occurred, the lion or gorilla would just have to fend for itself.

Honestly, there are some odd folk hereabouts. Yesterday, I politely asked a bloke outside the local Co-op if I could borrow his mask for a minute or two, as I'd forgotten mine. You should have heard him. I thought we were all in this together!

Treat your face mask exactly like your under garments. 1) Do not touch or adjust in public. 2) Ensure the fit is tight, but comfy. 3) Do not wear anyone elses. 4) Make sure it’s clean. 5) If damp, change it. 6) DON’T go commando!


Barmy Albert went for his second jab and the nurse asked him if he would like to buy a Cup Final ticket! Finally, some progress!

Don’t forget the Boris roadmap to get us out of the lockdown, quarantine lark. As from the 12th of April, you can go inside a pub, but only to get back outside and sit in a covered area in the tempestuous freezing cold rain and sleet. You are allowed to go inside to use the toilet, but cannot go to use the toilet outside. You can only sit inside the covered area, if it is outside. If it all becomes too much for you, then you can go home by going inside the pub, to get outside, then go home and be inside again. You may walk past the bar to visit the khazi, but must not under any circumstances buy a pint at the bar. This must only be done by staff, for safety reasons. Indeed, only bar staff can serve outside drinks inside the covered area that is outside. You may sit with up to six people, unless you have a bigger family, then it’s a free-for-all. A Scotch egg will no longer protect you from the virus, neither will closing the pub at 10 pm. This only applies if you’re outside. I hope this is clear. Have a lovely summer, folks!


Whilst freezing in the garden, why not sing some quarantine songs! For instance, there is: “Summertime, and the lockdown is easing!” or “For he’s on a jolly good furlough, for he’s on a jolly good furlough and so say all of us!”

You’re not fat. You’re just easier to see! You can always tell that you’ve put on weight. When you get in the bath and the water in the toilet rises. The missus sez I should get in shape. Round IS a shape!”


The accounts described in this gloppy column are merely recollections of the author, and may or may not represent actual occurrences or involve those named in the text, such as Non-Stick Nora and Barmy Albert. Any resemblance to real people is entirely deliberate, and in accordance with apocryphal law, accounts that are undisputed more than three minutes after this newspaper is printed become incontrovertible truths. Visit my Jokey-Blog via: You can email me: Now, behave yourself and get back to work! The summer is a comin’!

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