Next Monday, the 17th of May, we now stagger to the next step of the Boris roadmap out of lockdown. Rules have now changed slightly. Boris has shown us that he doesn’t need a compass to see which way the wind shines.
You should stay in locked down until the virus stops infecting people but it will only stop infecting people if we all get disinfected so it’s important we get disinfected and some don’t get disinfected. Moreover, you can join your neighbours for a street party and turn your music up for an outside disco and your neighbours won’t call the police. People in another street are allowed to call the police about your music and you can now hug them.
Government grants will ensure that no business will go bankrupt due to Covid except those businesses that will go insolvent, due to Corona virus.
Furthermore, animals are not affected, but there was still a cat that tested positive in Belgium last February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there. Always stay two metres away from any tigers or lions.
Sharon came home in tears and informed her mother she was pregnant. Her mum asked her: “Who is the father?” Sharon replied: “Dunno. He was wearing a mask!”
Which reminds me of the young lad who came home to the council estate in Wythenshawe and declared to his dad that he’d met a wonderful girl, fallen madly in love with her and intended to get married. His dad asked the lad: “What’s the lucky girls name?” The lad replied: “Pauline Anderson.” His dad sez: “Her mother isn’t called Sylvia is she?” The lad replied: “Yes, dad. How did you know that?” His father opined: “I’ve got some bad news son, before I met your mother, I went out with Sylvia for a long time and the chance of this girl being your sister is quite high!” The poor boy was emotionally distraught and took to his bedroom in a flood of tears. When his mother came home from work, she saw how upset he was and asked him what the problem was. It was then that the young lad told her the whole sordid tale. She sez: “Don’t take any notice of him. He’s not your father!”
This Covid outbreak must be really serious in India. I’ve not had any scam phone calls asking me if I’d had an accident at work recently for a whole month! Considering that I’ve not worked for the last 18 months!
The missus informed me that: “I saw a Golden Eagle on the way to work this morning.” I sez: “How do you know it was on its way to work?” She does tend to talk in riddles and conundrums. She was in the kitchenette last night and asked: “Do you want chicken, beef or lamb?” I shouted: “I quite fancy lamb.” She replied: “I’m talking to the dogs. You’re having a bowl of soup!”
Over the pandemical period, granddad had to be admitted into a nursing home. I phoned last week to check on his wellbeing, as no visitors are currently allowed. The matron informed me that, unfortunately granddad sadly passed away that very morning at breakfast time. I asked her what he had for his final breakfast and she told me: “Cheerios.”
Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Avoid lollygaggers, wastrels, scallywags and knaves. Learn to chop wood into nice little squares. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, then let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. So, now you know! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!
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