I was on holiday in Turkey and came across one of those Turkish bath houses. They shave with a solid steel stone-ground razor, snip out nose and ear hairs, wax off chest and stray black hair, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub. Honestly, the wife has never looked so good....
Barmy Albert told Tommy Grabknuckle that he argued with Non-Stick Nora and told her that what she’s wearing is wholly inappropriate for gardening. Tommy asked: “Did she listen to your advice?” Albert replied: “Nope. She’s digging in her heels…”
On the TV quiz show front, did they ever reveal what 'Blankety Blank' was actually called?
I told the barber that I wanted my hair cut like Tom Cruise. So, he gave me two cushions to sit on.
I spent the weekend installing a high-voltage electric fence around my property. My neighbour’s dead against it.
I recently had my pet frog DNA’d. Apparently, it’s part German, part French and a tad Pole.
Went to see my granny yesterday in the care home where she is domiciled and one of the residents kept saying what a pretty boy I am! I thought she's got good eyesight for her age. Ten minutes later I noticed that she was reading her newspaper upside down.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Seductively, she leaned in, lowered the lights, and looked straight into my eyes. I measure the mood, and go in for a kiss. Then the next thing, I’m being escorted out of Specsavers and banned from going in there anymore!
Two young chemistry students walk into The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub. Trying to sound smart, the first one asked the barman for a pint of H20. He was served a glass of water. The other student, who was also trying to sound impressive, said, "I'll have a pint of H20 too." His funeral is next week.
Yesterday, I burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave a pepperoni and mushroom pizza in the oven while I take a power nap.
Hey! Andy Burnham! I reckon that I've come up with a credible solution to the illegal immigration and asylum seekers problem. Why don't you swap Border Force with GPs receptionists and then no one will get in. Furthermore, another brilliant brainwave that I’d dreamed up is: why don’t you get rid of all the Lollipop men/women and rebuild all the schools on the other side of the road!
Non-Stick Nora texts Barmy Albert at work: "Don't forget to get some bread. Oh, and your girlfriend Cynthia says hi." Albert was perplexed and asked: "Who's Cynthia?" Nora replied: "Nobody, just making sure you read my text." Albert sez: "Phew! I'm with Cynthia right now. I thought you copped us! Nora sez: "What?! Where are you?" Albert told her: "In the Wetherspoons next to the bakery." Nora is incandescent and tells him: "Stay there, I'm on my way!" Five minutes later: Nora: "I'm here, where are you?" "I’m still at work. While you're there, get a loaf!"
Maestro of bunkum and baloney Chester Draws dad sadly passed away, so he goes to the undertaker and tells him he wants the best of everything for his father. The funeral is absolutely beautiful, and Chester is extremely pleased. The next day, Chester received an invoice for fifteen hundred quid, and he pays it. The next month, he gets another bill for £85. He figures it's just a little supplementary bill, so he pays that, too. The following month, another bill for £85 arrives, so he calls up the undertaker and says, "I keep getting these bills for £85. I thought I paid for the funeral already?" The undertaker says, "Well, you said you wanted the best for your father, so I rented him a tuxedo from Moss Bros."
No comments:
Post a Comment