The Shenanigans at the Oval Orifice....

                                                 

         

Man Utd urgently need Marcus Rashford back at Old Trafford as the club has withdrawn free lunches for staff and sacked all the catering department.

Jeremy Clarkson wrote on social networking platform X (formerly Twitter.) “Don’t worry if your A level grades aren’t any good. I got a C and two U’s and I’m sitting here deciding on which of my Range Rovers to use today.” A scallywag called Derek replied: “I didn’t do A levels. I was expelled from school and turned to a life of crime. I too am deciding on which one of your Range Rovers to use today!” Furthermore, I don't know if Facebook has ever caused the lame to walk, but it sure has caused the dumb to speak.

Fascinating Fact: I was born a male. I identify as a male. However, according to Tesco’s chocolate profiteroles, I’m a family of four! Mind you, I do have an eating disorder. Two hands and one gob. Isn’t life grand when you’re doo-lally!

After all the shenanigans at The Whitehouse Oval Office last week, Putin must have been laughing with glee at the support he’s received from megalomaniac Donald Trump and his vice president J.R Dunce! So much so that Putin decided to contact a fortune teller to advise his future. The sooth-sayer gazed intp her crystal ball and announced: “You will die on a Ukranian National Holiday!” Putin asks: “There are lots of holidays in every year. Which holiday?” The medium replied: “Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian National Holiday!” Until then, the horrors continue....

                                                        

Barmy Albert has been shining a laser pointer in his neighbours window when they’ve gone out at night. Their cat has obliterated four sets of venetian blinds while chasing it. They have no idea it's Albert.

I got pulled over on the A57 yesterday and the speed cop asked me: “Do you know why I pulled you over?” I replied: “Was it to see how tall I am?” He sez: “Step out of the car, sir…” See! I knew it! Moreover, if he can’t remember why he stopped me, I’m not gonna refresh his memory am I!

Last week, I received my electricity bill. It looks like that I’ve been charged for the sunlight, the moonlight, the street light, the speed of light, the light of the Holy Spirit and I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel! It was obviously an estimated account, so I need to supply a meter reading, in order to clarify these exorbitant charges. I asked the wife (the light of my life) to nip into the garage and tell me what it said on the meter. She came back with a piece of paper on which she had scrawled “Danger! High Voltage! The theme continued when she visited the hairdressers and she asked me what particular cut would make her more attractive. I replied: “A power cut.” That’s when the fight started!

Thought for Thursday: A literalist is someone who takes things literally. A kleptomaniac is someone who literally takes things...

Due to a let-down, I make an appeal through this newspaper. Is there anybody on here interested in a helicopter trip? It will be with me, Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora. We’ll be leaving at 10.20am on Friday from Manchester Airport and first fly direct to Blackpool where we will have breakfast. Afterwards, we fly to Dublin to enjoy a lunch and a Guinness or two. Later on in the afternoon we will then fly down to London for an evening fine dining before staying in a 5 star hotel in the centre of the city. Early the next morning we depart London to be back at Manchester around noon. If you are interested, please email me. Preferably someone with a helicopter.

A horse walks into the Pitbull & Stanley Knife pub and orders a pint of Farquarharsons Old & Filthy Best British Bitter Beer. Dastardly Dennis, the landlord remarks: “You’re in here quite often. Do you reckon you might be an alcoholic?” The nag replies: “I don’t think I am..” and promptly vanishes from existence! This joke is actually about Descartes’ famous philosophy of: “I think; Therefore, I am.” However, if I explain that part before the rest of the joke, then that would be putting Descarte before the horse. Now do you understand?

                                   

  

Remember that the only thing standing in you way between you and your wildest dreams, is your unkempt appearance, lack of talent and your maudlin personality.

I got thrown out of my local park after arranging all the squirrels in order of height. They didn't like me critter sizing…

Remember when we used to wait until 9pm to talk to people on our landline for unlimited minutes? Twenty years later, we all pay for unlimited minutes, and don’t call anyone! 

I am working away for the next two weeks. If you don't do anything else during my enforced absence, be sure to tell  everyone about the hilarious fopdoodle Austin Knight and this craze-ridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer, and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the underwater gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com. This column will return in the merest hint of time.