How To Tell A Woman Is Mad At You....

The missus (Or Shrek in a frock, as I lovingly refer to her) and I had a terrible argument and she stormed out of the house and screamed at me, "You'll never find another one like me.""Yes I will," I shouted, "There’s plenty more whales in the sea." She is living proof that women can multi-task. She can actually shout and whinge at the same time!

The argument started when we were sauntering down the High Street and I noticed that she was limping and maintaining a rather eccentric gait. I asked her what the problem was, to which she curtly informed me “I have a stone in my shoe.” Quick as a flash, I replied “Well there must be seventeen stone in the other shoe.” The icy stare she gave me would have stopped a clock! Looks like I’ll be kipping on the sofa for the next few days/weeks/months. It doesn’t t bother us lads. It’s just like camping out innit!

My granddad spent most of the war on the lookout out for German bombers. He was a lifeguard at Berlin Swimming Baths. The first woman he ever made love to was a suffragette. He only managed that, because she was chained to the railings.

Crimewatch Latest: Police in Tameside are currently hunting the ‘Knitting Needle Nutter’ who has stabbed six people in the derriere over last month. A police spokesman said that they believe the attacker could be following some sort of pattern.


It was many years since the embarrassing day when a young woman with a baby in her arms entered the butcher’s shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and what was he going to do about it? After some denials and argument, he capitulated and promised to provide her with free meat until the boy turned 18 she agreed. He ticked the years off on his calendar until one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said “I’ll be 18 tomorrow.” “I know” said the butcher, “I’ve been counting too." And tell your mother when you get home that this is the last free meat she will get, and then watch the expression on her face.” When the boy arrived home and told his mother she nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk and free groceries for the past 18 years and watch the expression on his face!”

Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows. Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the slings and arrows of outrageous misery. If we cannot laugh at our own shortcomings, then what can we laugh at? Well there’s this gloppy column for a start! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work! The ice and snow are a-comin’!