Pancake Tuesday Cometh!

It's three months until Shrove Tuesday, and already the shops are full of flour, eggs, and milk. It's ridiculous!

There is a bloke on my street, who has been featured in the "Guinness Book of Records" for having suffered an amazing forty-six concussions! He lives very close to my house, in fact, he is just a stone’s throw away.

I fondly recollect when I took my son to the pub for his first pint. I bought him a lager.  He didn't like it so, I had to drink it. Then I got him pint of bitter, he didn't like that either, so I had to sup it. It was the same with Guinness, so I had it, same with the cider. By the time we got to the Cabernet Sauvignon I could hardly push the flamin’ pram home.

Whilst on the subject of booze, I was out drinking with my mates over New Years week, when I suddenly looked at my phone and noticed a staggering eighteen missed calls from the missus!. Is she insecure or what? That's an average of six calls per day.

I went up to a girl in my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife last night and said, "That's a nice dress. Do you know what it’d look even better on?" "Let me guess," she sighed, "Your bedroom floor?" "No," I replied, "A better-looking girl."

All this kerfuffle about immigration is totally unfounded. In all fairness it's the 9th of January today and I have yet to encounter a single Bulgarian! But then again, I was only in Bulgaria for two days! Moreover, why worry about the Wombles! They’ve been here for years already, on Wimbledon Common!

For all of you who are married, were married, wish you were married or wish you were not married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine. Barmy Albert was driving home from one of his business trips, in northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a lift. With a silent nod of thanks, the Indian got into the car. Resuming the journey, Albert tried in vain to make a conversation with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Albert. "What in bag?" asked the old man. Barmy Albert looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife." The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: "Not a bad swap...."

I fully realise that laughter isn't for everyone. It's only for folk who want to have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive. Exercise your guffaw glands today! Have a chortle on me! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com

 and continue the quest! You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com