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Wednesday 1 January 2014

Happy New 2014 - Innit!

Happy New 2014!! Or not, as the case may be. The police came to my door on New Year’s Day, holding a picture of the  missus. "Is this your wife sir?" said the officer. "Yes it is" I replied. "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a serious road traffic accident" said the efficient copper... "I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"

If you've ever had the gross misfortune to have worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts right and thinking things through, then you will love this. The board at AK Steel Holdings Ltd, were feeling it was time for a shake-up, and head-hunted a new manager. On day one, the new boss was determined to rid the company of all malingerers. On a tour of the facilities, he noticed a bloke leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make £150 a week. Why?" The new gaffer said, "Wait right there." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy six hundred quid in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now sling your hook and don’t come back." Feeling pretty good about himself, the new manager looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that wastrels job was?" From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

On New Years Day, after being married for fifty years, Barmy Albert took a careful look at his missus, Non-Stick Nora, and opined, "Fifty years ago, we had a rented one-bedroom council flat, a scrap car, slept on a bed-settee and watched a 10-inch black and white telly, but I got to sleep every night with a gorgeous young girl. Now, I have a £350,000 home, a Mercedes saloon, a massive King-size bed and a whopping 54’ plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain." Nora looked at Albert and curtly informed him that he should go out and find a lovely 25-year-old girl and that she would make sure that he would once again be living in a council flat, driving a banger of a car, kipping on a sofa bed and watching a little black and white TV. Aren't older women great? Doncha just love ‘em!

In 2014, remember, those who matter most to you, those who never did, those who won't anymore. The important ones, who always will. Never worry about the people from your past, because there’s good reason why they never made it to your future. Visit my website: and continue the quest! You can email me: Happy New Year to all my readers!! Now, get back to work!

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