Beleaguered Manchester United manager David Moyes has promised fans that they will definitely be in a major European competition next year. This will happen, even if he has to sing the song himself. Moreover, Moysie has entered into a new contract with Wayne ‘The Spud-Faced Nipper’ Rooney, so that United’s main rivals (West Ham and Norwich) cannot sign him!
Jane and Sharon were having a drink together, and were talking about the merits of plastic surgery. Jane sez, "I must be totally honest, I'm going to have a boob job." Sharon replies, "Oh, that's nothing, I'm thinking of getting my arsehole bleached." To which the Jane replies, "I'd think twice about that, I just can't picture your hubby as a blonde!".
Last night, I'd just set two intricate place at the dining table, using the best cutlery and crockery and then the missus walked in and sez, "Ooooh, this a surprise!" I looked at her and replied, "Too flamin' right it is. I didn't expect you back until Friday!"
Whilst visiting my daughter this week, I asked her if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century, Dad" she said, "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad." That spider never knew what hit it!
The Apple iPad instructed me to create a password with eight characters. So I put Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. I’d Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Are they trying to catch me out?
This bloke popped into a barbers shop and asked, "How long before I can get me haircut?" The barber looked around the shop, packed of customers and said, "About two hours." The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How long before I can get me haircut?" The hairdresser gazed around at the shop and said, "About three hours." The fella left. A week later the same man stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get me haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The bloke left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he
has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."
My wife was furious on Monday morning when I came home from a party. "You abominable cretin!" she screamed. "Oh that's it," I said, "Start on me as soon as I walk through the door."
"What the hell do you expect me to say?" she yelled. I said, "Happy New Year would be a nice start." I don’t remember anything else...
If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com
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