I’m back! Now what are your other two wishes? I must say that I’ve had a fantastic summer, cruising both the Mediterranean and the Baltics on two magnificent vessels, namely the Carnival Sunshine and Carnival Legend. The service on these luxury liners is second to none. I got up at 4 am in the morning to go to the loo, and when I came back, the bed was made and there was a chocolate on the pillow!
The missus sez I'm very immature and that I have a childlike mentality and that we need to set some time aside to discuss this problem. As if that's gonna happen at the beginning of the conker season!
Yesterday, I told the window cleaner, in no uncertain terms, "I've confiscated your ladders, if I catch you looking at the missus through the bedroom window again, further steps will be taken."
A pal of mine died last week. He was a taxi driver. At the funeral, the hearse turned up 20 minutes late, went to the wrong house, then went to the the wrong crematorium. It's what he would have wanted....
I used to go out with a clairvoyant a few years ago. She was absolutely gorgeous. But she finished with me before I met her....
At the end of Hollyoaks last night it said, "If you have been affected by any issues raised in this programme then ring this helpline". So I phoned the number and told them; "I can't act either"...
Q) What's the difference between Prince Andrew and Manchester United?
A) Prince Andrew has never regretted getting rid of Fergie!
The missus phoned me the other day and the conversation went thus:
Her: "You know that Spartacus Gladiator box set that I got you?"
Me: "What about it?"
Her: "Put Volume 2 in the DVD player. Forward it exactly one hour, 16 minutes and 28 seconds."
Me: "Right, I've done that"
Her: "Okay, you see the gladiator at the front, fighting the lion!"
Me: "I can see that, yeah."
Her: "Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!"
Me: Okay, I see them."
Her: "Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there's a gladiator guarding the gate holding a spear."
Me: "Yes! I can see him!"
Her: Can you see his feet?
Me: Yes, I can!
Her: Right! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday!"
The phone rang while I was having dinner. Answered it and woman launches into her script regarding PPI insurance. I start heavy breathing and then say, "What are you wearing?" Then hear 'click' and dialling tone. RESULT!! Next please!
If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com
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