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Friday 10 January 2020

The Veganuary Syndrome....


Now, we can all try this. Firstly, shave your head, then if you put your thumb in your ear, then stick your index finger up one of your nostrils and then your middle finger in your gob, you’ll find you can pretend your head is a ten pin bowling ball. Now, try and get a strike!


Yesterday, I had the good fortune to meet Bruce Lee's vegan brother. His name is Brocco Lee. I hear on the grapevine that Meat Loaf has gone vegan too and now wishes to be referred to as Malt Loaf. How can you ascertain exactly who is a vegan? You don’t have to. They’ll tell you! Moreover, veganism is now recognised as a philosophical belief in a court of law. The defendant in a recent case stated under oath:” I think, therefore I yam....”


Just been in B&Q and there was a massive sign that bore the legend ‘Stainless Steel Sinks.’ I thought to myself: ‘I already know that!’ Then to compound an already absurd scenario, there bloke in front of me at the checkout and he had just bought a tube of that 'No More Nails' and a hammer! What's all that about then?


I noticed this in my local newspaper small ads: We are a bijou and exclusive restaurant in the centre of Tameside and are looking for stand-up comedians to perform in our main room to promote their material and maybe sell their CD's. This is not a regular gig, but only for special events which will hopefully turn into a nightly event, in due course, if we get positive response. Lots of observational comedy is required and no political or racist humour would be acceptable. Are you interested in promoting your work? Then get in touch and let us know, by return.

                                         I replied thus: Happy New Year 2020! I am a professional comedian, domiciled in a large house and I'm searching for a suitable restaurant proprietor to attend my gaff in order to promote his/her fine-dining outlet by making dinner for me and all my mates. This is not a regular gig but only for special functions which will eventually turn into a regular event, providing I get some excellent feedback from all my venerable associates. I would stress that it's definitely unacceptable for any of your staff who voted Remain or may have supported a second referendum. If you're genuinely interested in promoting your business, then I urge you to contact me by return, forthwith, at your earliest possible convenience.


Thursday Thought: You can’t change the people around you, but you can change the people around you...


If you really want to do something, you’ll find a way. If you don’t wanna do summat, you’ll find an excuse. Why don’t you find a way to visit my website: and don’t make any excuses! Now, get back to work!


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