A chauffeur driven Rolls-Royce Silver Phantom pulled up outside my door yesterday. This guy in a tuxedo, brandishing a crystal glass of champagne alighted from the back of the car and calmly meandered down the drive. I rushed out of the house and shouted, “Oooooh!” I exclaimed “Have I won the Euro millions?” “No” he sniffed. “I’ve come to read your gas and electricity meters!”
Barmy Albert was lying in Non-Stick Nora’s bed, when he suddenly noticed four notches carved into the headboard. "Is that how many men you've slept with? he asked. "Yes", Nora replied, "One thousand, one hundred and eleven." However, women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine fella, who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve. Housework used to be a woman's domain, but one evening, Nora arrived home from work to find one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was in the oven, and the table set. She was flabbergasted! It turns out that Albert had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to make love'. The night went very well. The next day, Nora told her friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Albert even cleaned up the kitchenette. He helped the grandkids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.' 'But what about afterwards?' asked her friend Ethel. 'Oh, that........... Albert was too tired.'
In church, I heard a lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you: "Dear Lord, this has been a tough two or three years. You have taken my favourite actor Christopher Plummer, my favourite composer and musician Burt Bacharach and my favourite singer Gerry Marsden. I just want you to know that my favourite politicians are: Boris Johnson, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Matt Hancock and Dominic Raab”.
The missus gave me an envelope yesterday. It was marked, 'DO NOT OPEN UNTIL 2024', inside the envelope was a long list of reasons why I cannot be trusted.
I sez to the missus, (She is a stunner. She works down the abattoir) over dinner last night, "Have I told you that you look absolutely divine tonight?" " No you haven't" she said with a bashful smile. "Well, there's a reason for that," I replied. That’s when the kerfuffle started!
Geomagnetism is one of the basic cornerstones of feng shui. Moreover, positive personal alignment of your yings and your yangs is a prerequisite. Dragons are pozzy, whereas a river rat is negative. This is why, in our house, all the chairs face the telly.
Fascinating Fact: Vincent Price was taller than Katie Price and heavier than Alan Price. I discovered this information out on a price comparison website.
Students in an advanced Biology class at the University of Manchester were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'. The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
Do you remember the very first time that you ever went to the pub for a drink with your dad? "What are you having, son?" he asked me. "Diet coke please," I replied. He grimaced in a saturnine manner. "You're not having a girls drink when you're out with me, son." I smiled, "Sorry dad. I'll have whatever you’re having then." "That's more like it!" he said, slapping me on the back, before turning to the barman, and ordering, "Two normal cokes please." My dad used to work for a company that manufactured toilet rolls and light bulbs. Well, I think he did, because that’s all he ever brought home.
When I was a kid, bedtime was at 9pm. I couldn’t wait to become a grownup, so I could go to bed anytime a wanted to. It now turns out that is 9pm. Who’d a thowt it?
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