I went up my attic looking for valuables and discovered a ninety year old painting. I told him to finish his portrait and get out! Do you reckon my attitude was too lofty?. It was announced that Dickinson’s Real Deal was visiting Scropton Street Pavilion and everyone should have a shufty in their attic and unearth some valuable treasures to feature on the programme. Barmy Albert turned up with an old steel box. It was huge and covered in cobwebs and dead spiders. By the look of it, it had to be over a hundred years old, thereby making it a proper antique. The ‘Duke’ David Dickinson asked Albert where he got it from, because provenance is imperative where antiquities are concerned and Albert told him he had found it in his loft. It turned out that it was worthless, because it was his water tank! Apparently, the house was flooded. Albert told me later that he’d caught a prawn in a mousetrap!
Non Stick Nora is working as a housekeeper and was after a big pay rise, due to the soaring cost of living. Now, Mrs Grabknuckle, the wife of her employer was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the proposed hike in pay. She asked: "Now Nora, why do you want a pay increase?" Nora: "Well, Mrs Grabknuckle there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you." The wife sez: "Who said you iron better than me?" Nora replied: "Your husband says so." Wife: "Oh yeah?" Nora continued: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Nora: "Your husband did." The wife became increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?" Nora: "The third reason is that I am better than you in the bed." The wife was incandescent with rage, and through gritted teeth shouted: "And did my husband say that as well?" Nora replied: "No, Mrs Grabknuckle, the gardener and the chauffeur did." The wife replied: “Well, how much do you want?”
Yesterday, the wife (I call her ‘Viking’ because she has a face like a Norse) stormed into the kitchenette with my phone and screamed "I've just been looking through your mobile and you've been talking to some other woman!" I looked up guiltily and responded "It’s true. We speak for hours every day." She broke down sobbing, then sniffled "Why? What’s she got that I haven't?" "Unlimited minutes" I replied.
I had a bath in creosote this morning. No particular reason, I just thought I'd treat myself. I have a wooden leg and a real foot. I can’t do anything about it because the local prosthetics shop has changed hands.
I think we should send a petition to all the manufacturers to write ‘Shampoo’ and ‘Conditioner’ in a much bigger font, so we can read it in the shower without our glasses. Mind you, I always thought that Ariana Grande was a font!
I often wonder if women ever sit back and think “My bloke really does possess an extensive knowledge and maybe I should just be quiet and listen to his pearls of wisdom.”
I visited an Eskimo Restaurant and asked to see the menu. The maître d informed me “We don’t have many options, so I’ll just shout them out to you.” He continued: “We have Whale Meat Steak in a blubber roulade or Whale Meat Curry with blubber rice, or maybe Whale Meat Stir-Fry in blubber and of course we have the Vera Lynne.” I asked him what exactly was the Vera Lynne?” “Whale Meat again…” he blubbered. Well, you’ve got to be inuit to winuit!
I’ve always been attracted to the weird folk. The lollygaggers, the panhandlers, the eccentric characters in society. The black sheep, the odd ducks and the exponents of egregious nonsensical logorrhea, like Gerald off Clarkson’s Farm. More often the lost and forgotten people possess the most beautiful souls. Moreover, I’ve discovered that if you tuck one trouser leg into your sock and put your cardigan on back to front, then folk will expect a lot less of you…
Don’t worry or get yourself having palpitations and going bilious. One day you’ll find someone that’s totally obsessed with you and never wants to leave your side. It’s probably going be a dog, but it is what it is. My little dog Alfie is really clever. When he has a wee, he puts both his front paws up on the wall and does it standing up. This woman asked me yesterday how long he’s been doing this. I told her that it was ever since a wall fell on him.
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