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Wednesday 28 January 2015

Truly, Madly, Deeply....


I told her honestly: "I might not be wealthy. I have no money, or villa in Mustique, or prestige cars. Neither do I own several blue-chip companies like my mate Dave, but I love you, truly, madly, deeply and I absolutely adore you." She gazed at me with huge tears welling in her beautiful blue eyes and hugged me passionately, like there is no tomorrow and whispered in my ear... : "Can you introduce me to Dave?"

How would you write "Please Do Not Touch" in braille? Hmmmmm...

Fascinating Fact: Did you know that the human fart can be louder than a glockenspiel? I only discovered this at my daughter's school concert, last week.

Burns Night Tonite! Always remember that the definition of a gentleman is someone who can play the bagpipes, but dosen't.

A Roman soldier walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and sez: "Five beers, please."

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

I sez to the missus, "Let's have your esteemed view on the current state of English football?" "It's crap," she replied. "Total rubbish." "More than likely," I sez, "but I'd love to hear it anyway...."

Apparently, it's cheaper to buy the generic form of Viagra. It's called Mycoxafloppin.

Oldham FC chairman said today: "Of course he's NOT welcome here! An ongoing sex case, media glare, protests and awful publicity? No way, are we signing Prince Andrew!"

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.  The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai...


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