I was lying in bed, deep in thought while perusing the moon and stars shining brightly and I got to thinking “Where’s my roof?”
All I am seeing on social media at the moment are profiteering roofers and fencers taking advantage of everyone’s misery. I’d just like to say I think this is disgusting behaviour but once these despicable people have finished tramping through your house with their muddy boots, I can clean your carpets from £100 per room.
There was abject horror in Liverpool last week when Storm Dudley blew a bloke out of the Benefits Office straight into the Job Centre. Luckily, Winter Storm Eunice blew him back again! As Brucie would have said: “Nice to see you, to see Eunice!”
With all these storms and tempestuous gales I was worried about the trampoline in our garden. We didn't have one beforehand.
The Icelandic alphabet does not contain the letter Z. How do those folks sleep at night?
Oh the grand old Duke Of York. He had 12 million quid. He gave it to someone he'd never met. For something he never did. Who’d a thowt it!
Boris Johnson visited a remote village in Somerset and told the locals that he wante to improve their lifestyle and if they needed any help, then the government would do all that they could to assist. “We have two big needs” said a village spokesperson, “Firstly, we have a medical centre, but no doctor.” Boris whipped out his mobile phone and spoke for a while and then sez: “I’ve sorted it all out. A doctor will arrive here first thing in the morning. Now, what is your other problem?” The spokesperson replied: “We have no mobile phone signal whatsoever in our village....”
Now that Covid restrictions have been lifted, I’ve joined a wine club. We meet at 9am in Manor Park every morning.
"Have you ever seen twenty pounds all crumpled up?" asked the wife. "No," I said.
She gave me a cheeky little smile, then reached into her handbag and pulled out a crumpled twenty quid note, all screwed up into a little ball. "Have you ever seen fifty pounds all crumpled up?" she asked. "Nope," I exclaimed. She gave me another little smile, reached into her handbag once again, and produced a crumpled fifty pound note. "Righty-ho!" she said, "have you ever seen twenty thousand quid all crumpled up?" "Definitely not" I lamented, in an intrigued fashion. "Well, go and have a quick shufty in the garage." Well, at least I know one thing for sure now. The airbag works!
This bloke phones his wife and the conversation went thus: “Hello love, it’s me. I’ve had a bad accident at work and trapped my leg. Sharon took me to the hospital but the surgeon says it might have to be amputated.” Wife: “Who’s Sharon?”
The missus called the doctor's surgery for an appointment. "I'm sorry," said the receptionist," we can't fit you in for at least four weeks." "But I could be dead by then!" "No problem," she replied. "If you let us know, we'll cancel the appointment."
Don't let Omincrom kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com
No comments:
Post a Comment