I hear that West Ham boss David Moyes has dismissed rumours that Kurt Zouma will be shown the door this week. Moyes told the BBC: "We have shown him the goal for many months now and he hasn't managed to hit it, so it’d be a complete waste of time showing him the door. However, we are going to discipline him, but don’t ask meow....”
Upon attempting a very complex Heston Blumenthal recipe, I asked the butcher, "Have you got any wild ducks?" "No" he replied, "but I've got one that gets really annoyed when I prod it with a wooden skewer."
Do you remember the very first time that you ever went to the pub for a drink with your dad? "What are you having, son?" he asked me. "Diet coke please," I replied. He grimaced in a saturnine manner. "You're not having a girls drink when you're out with me, son." I smiled, "Sorry dad. I'll have whatever you’re having then." "That's more like it!" he said, slapping me on the back, before turning to the barman, and ordering, "Two normal cokes please."
Whilst perennially residing in the doghouse, I sez to the missus, "I'm sorry for treating you in an inadvertent fashion recently. Can I make it up to you on Valentines Day?" She looked at me and replied, "Well you can take me to the cinema." I sez, "Consider it done. I'll even pick you up afterwards." That’s when the fight started!
If Charles Dickens were alive today, he would no doubt
undergo countless tests and examinations from scientists and doctors trying to
understand how he's made it to be 210 years old. Fascinating!
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the
kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white
hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette napper. She looked at her mother
and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?”Her mother
replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or
unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation
for a while and then opined: “Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are
white?”
It was absolutely freezing yesterday. So, after putting on two pairs of socks,
three jumpers, four pairs of trousers, five woolly hats, six scarves, two thick
coats and a pair of boots, I finally waddled outside. Two minutes later, I was
laying face down in the snow and I couldn't move. "You're coming with
me" said the Matalan store detective.
I sez to Barmy Albert "I challenge you to count 86400 seconds." He replied "Don’t be daft, that'll take me all day!"
Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius meandering or chutzpah sauntering. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own. Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com
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