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Monday 4 January 2010

ATTAINABLE New Year Resolutions...

This year, I resolve to...

- Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

- Stop exercising. Waste of time.

- Read less. Makes you think.

- Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff, like Hollyoaks?!?!.

- Procrastinate more. I'll Start tomorrow.

- Spend more time surfing on left-handed websites.

- Take a holiday to someplace important: like to see the largest barrel of beer in the world.

- Not jump off Beachy Head. just because someone else did.

- Stop having lunch at home: I should eat out more.

- Not have eight children ALL at once.

- Get into a whole NEW rut!

- Start being superstitious.

- Personal goal: bring back 70's disco.

- Not bet against the Manchester City.

- Buy a Reliant Robin Interceptor 3 x 3 and invest in a really loud stereo system.

- Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash (Oh!! and one of those fluffy dice).

- Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

- Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or clothes line for a belt.

- Spend my Easter holiday in Cyberspace.

- Not eat cloned meat.

- Create loose ends.

- Get more boys toys.

- Get further in debt (on the scale of Zimbabwe).

- Not believe politicians.

- Not drive a steam roller across thin ice.

- Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

- Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 10,000 feet.

- Stay off the International Space Station.

- Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.

- Associate with even more scurrillous theatrical agents.

- Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

- Wait around for opportunity.

- Focus on the faults of others.

- Mope about my faults.

- Never make New Year's resolutions again.

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