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Saturday, 2 January 2010

Another New Year...

Begin the New Year on the right foot, and start 2010 correctly! Don’t forget to say those all-important, three little words to the missus. "I'm off out." See you in the fracture clinic at Tameside General.

Apparently, the most popular new years resolution, is to stop smoking. If you are unable to stop puffing on the obnoxious weed completely, then just cut down. Just smoke after meals. Try and get down to about sixty meals per day.

Don’t bore the missus by making up the same stoopid excuse for having to go down the pub. Think of some different excuses.

Stop worrying about life and don’t worry about the past. It will get you nowhere. It’s a one-way ticket to Polukaville. I’ve decided to start worrying about the future instead.

Global Warming. Do YOUR bit! Do less laundry and use more deodorant. Think of the ozone layer. Carbon footsteps can exacerbate an innocent polar bears premature demise. He could very well slip on the ice. Hey there, Mr. Polar Bear, listen up! Gerrit Gritted!

On the same subject, a primary school pupil was asked by the teacher to name six animals that specifically live in the Antarctic. He replied, “Two polar bears and four seals.” Incredible innit!

My next-door neighbour Barmy Albert sez to his wife (Non-Stick Nora – she has a face like a pirates flag!) “What would you do if I won the New Year Euro Millions Lottery?” She frostily opined, “I’d take half of it and leave you.” “Brilliant” he sez, “I won twelve quid, here’s six, now sod off!” Parting is such sweet sorrow innit!

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper, Groceries are heavier, and, everything is much further away? Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was flabbergasted to discover how long our street had become!

Last year, I was at the airport, checking in at the checking-in thingy, when the girl behind the desk sez, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, then how would I know?' She smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' What’s all that about then?

The pelican crossing on our High Street bleeps when it's on red and therefore safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged, blonde friend of mine. She asked if I knew what the bleeper was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?”

“I need help with my hearing” the man says. The priest sticks his fingers in the man's ear and prays. “How's your hearing now?” he asks.” "I don't know” says the man “It's not till next Tuesday...”

I didn’t fail in 2009 – I merely found ten thousand jokes that weren’t funny! Make a difference in 2010 by reading this column regularly and furthering your comical position within the funny farm of life’s rich chortling tapestry. Fancy a New Year surf on the interweb? Then visit or a give me a ‘2010 Tweet’ on

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