U.N Survey & other gubbins...

A worldwide telephone survey conducted by the U.N. last month was a complete flop. The only question asked was:- "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a failure because of the following:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant, and Middle East nations didn't know what "solution" meant. South Americans didn't know what "please" meant and
in the United States they didn't know what was meant by "the rest of the world."
and finally......................in London and Australia , they hung up because they couldn't understand the bloody Indian from the call centre in Islamabad on the other end of the phone. Incredibubble!





Non-Stick Nora’s dishwasher quit working so she called a plumber. As she had to go to work the next day, she told the plumber, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the invoice on the worktop and I'll send you a cheque."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I repeat; do not talk to my parrot!” When he got there he saw the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen. But, as she said, he just lay on the carpet and watched him work. He didn't bother him at all. The parrot however, drove him crackers the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the plumber couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up you ugly looking bird!"

To which the parrot replied, " Go get him, Spike!"



Joey and his classmates had just finished an educational tour of the local fire station.
Before the kids could leave, the chief fire officer quizzed them. The fire officer asked little Joey, "What would you do if your clothes catch on fire?" Joey replied promptly, "I wouldn’t put them on."



Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica,where do they go ? Wonder no more. It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick him in the ice hole. So, now we know. Fascinating innit!!



I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website www.ComedianUK.com or email me: austin.knight@homecall.co.uk Now, get back to work!