Breaking News...

WARNING!! If you receive an email attachment which sez 'Naked Photo Of Susan Boyle' DO NOT OPEN IT!! It contains a naked photo of Susan Boyle.

The missus is a stunner (she works down the abattoir) and I was absolutely flabbergasted when I was curtly informed this week that she wants to end our relationship. Why? Because she reckons that I love football more than I love her. It's really upset me. I've been with her for eleven seasons.

Man City manager Roberto Mancini has promised to bring in a new face during the January transfer window. My mole at Eastlands informs me that both Tevez and Lescott are fighting over who should have it!

Breaking News: Manchester United are trying to raise millions from new investors in a bid to swell dwindling coffers at the club. Police also wish to interview three men wearing grotesque face masks, who talk with an American accent and were last seen hanging around Old Trafford about five years ago.

I asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day. Both her parents, Labour supporters, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed, and said, "Welcome to the Labour Party!" "Wow...what a worthy goal!" I sez. "But you don't have
to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my
house, mow the lawn, was the car, sweep my drive and I'll pay you £25.
Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs
out. You can give him the £25 to use toward food." She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work and you can just pay him the £25?"
I smiled and said, "Welcome to the Conservative Party." Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

Two women travellers, obviously nervous about their flight, bought some
flight insurance at the terminal. However, they couldn't decide who to name
as beneficiaries. They ended up each naming the other and happily boarded the plane.



"Doctor, I have a pretty bad sore throat."

"Go in the next room and disrobe, please." replied the doctor.

"But doctor, it's just my throat!"

"Who's the doctor here? Please just go into the next room and disrobe."

So the man goes into the next room where he sees another man sitting down inhis shorts with a box on his lap. As the first man is getting undressed he
starts up a conversation, "Can you imagine that doctor? I've got a sore
throat and he tells me to undress!" The second man answers, "What are you complaining about? I only came in here to deliver a parcel."



I have a wonderful message to give you about growing old, but I’ve forgotten what it was.



Humour is like a rubber sword, it allows you to make a point, without drawing blood. Nurse, fetch the screens! Clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com or email me at: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!