BREAKING NEWS: Liverpool FC have sacked manager Brendan Rodgers with immediate effect. The main contender to take his place Jurgen Klopp confirms that he does not want the job. However, he did say that his brother Klipperty may be interested in the position....
The missus had been watching that Fifty Shades of Grey movie and became quite inflamed. When women become exasperated, then us lads must ‘up our game’. She sez, "Talk dirty to me...." I whispered, "Diesel Volkswagen.” If you wanna leave her breathless in bed, then hide her inhalator....
A bloke went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your opportunity in court." advised the Desk Sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking up the missus . I've been trying to do that for years!"
Quote for Thursday: "Who are you and how did you get in here?" "I'm a locksmith and I'm a locksmith." Leslie Nielsen.
A Yorkshireman and a Scouser go into Greggs. The Scouser nicks three pies and puts them in his pocket, then boasts to the Yorkshireman, "Did you see that? The staff never even saw me." The Yorkshireman says, "That's nowt mate, watch this." So the Yorkshire bloke goes back into the shop and says to the manager, "Gi'us three pie, and I'll show thee some magic," whereupon he scoffs them, bold as brass, in front of the manager. The manager says, "So, where's the magic in that?" The Yorkshire lad sez, "Go and check that Scouser's pocket."
Barmy Albert was in a job interview yesterday, when the manager handed him his laptop and sez, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So Albert put it under his arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually the boss phoned Albert’s mobile and demanded: "Bring that laptop back here right now!" Barmy Albert replied: "£250 and it's yours, mate."
Eric Figgis, an avid golfer, contacts a clairvoyant and asks if there is a golf course in Heaven. The Medium says that his request is a tall order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in due course (Geddit!). After several days go by, Eric finally gets a call from the spiritualist "Well," said Eric, "what did you manage to find out?" "I've got good news and bad news for you," said the medium. "Okay," "what's the good news" Eric enquired. "Well," there is a beautiful thirty-six hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24/7 access with your own personal caddy!" exclaimed the soothsayer. "And the bad news?" asked Eric. "You're due to tee-off this Sunday, at around 10:30 in the morning."
Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on Twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com
A Yorkshireman and a Scouser go into Greggs. The Scouser nicks three pies and puts them in his pocket, then boasts to the Yorkshireman, "Did you see that? The staff never even saw me." The Yorkshireman says, "That's nowt mate, watch this." So the Yorkshire bloke goes back into the shop and says to the manager, "Gi'us three pie, and I'll show thee some magic," whereupon he scoffs them, bold as brass, in front of the manager. The manager says, "So, where's the magic in that?" The Yorkshire lad sez, "Go and check that Scouser's pocket."
Barmy Albert was in a job interview yesterday, when the manager handed him his laptop and sez, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So Albert put it under his arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually the boss phoned Albert’s mobile and demanded: "Bring that laptop back here right now!" Barmy Albert replied: "£250 and it's yours, mate."
Eric Figgis, an avid golfer, contacts a clairvoyant and asks if there is a golf course in Heaven. The Medium says that his request is a tall order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in due course (Geddit!). After several days go by, Eric finally gets a call from the spiritualist "Well," said Eric, "what did you manage to find out?" "I've got good news and bad news for you," said the medium. "Okay," "what's the good news" Eric enquired. "Well," there is a beautiful thirty-six hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24/7 access with your own personal caddy!" exclaimed the soothsayer. "And the bad news?" asked Eric. "You're due to tee-off this Sunday, at around 10:30 in the morning."
Don't let stress kill you off! Why not let me help? By reading this column regularly you will exercise your guffaw glands and laugh at all the fine jokes, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Why not visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com or better still, gizzus a tweet on Twitter.com/comedianuk You can email me too! comedianuk@sky.com
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