Hallowe'en Innit!

   

Hallowe'en must be the only day each year when you won't open the door if they DON’T look scary! A young lad knocked on my front door and sez, "Trick or Treat?" I asked, "What have you come as?" He said "A werewolf." I said "But you haven't got a costume on, you're just in jeans and a T-Shirt." He replied, "Well, it's not a full moon yet is it?" I just left him lying there. We live in strange times. Kids run wild and dogs go to obedience school. Moreover, I hear on the grapevine that Jehovas' Witnesses don't like Hallowe'en at all. They can't stand people knocking on their door and mithering them.



     

Moreover, I always greet every stranger I bump into with ‘Many Happy Returns!’ I do receive copious amounts of blank expressions, however, it's well worth it for the occasional, "How the flamin’ 'ell did you know?" I’ve also been wishing folk ‘Merry Christmas!’ Mark my words, in a couple of month’s time, everyone will be saying it. Yes, folks it’s nearly upon us. There’s only two more Leeds United managers to go before Christmas!
                                           

Of course, before the festive season, we have to contend with Bonfire night and the dreaded Hallowe’en. Non-Stick Nora loves Halloween. The cobwebs in her house look like expensive decorations. Is Hallowe’en just for kids? How old must you be to participate in this annual gorefest!

                                 

Top Ten Signs That You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating:
10. You get breathless from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew a caramel for you.
8. You ask for high fibre treats only.
7. When someone drops a chocolate bar in your bag, you lose your
balance and fall over.
6. Folk say, "Brilliant Jeremy Corbyn mask!" and you're not
wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you shout: "Trick or..." and can't
remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of
restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't
dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only wicked witch in the neighbourhood on a
zimmer frame.
1. You avoid going to houses where any of your ex-wives live.

     

The missus sez that I'm very immature and that we need to set some time aside to discuss this unfortunate problem. As if that’s gonna happen in the middle of the conker season!



Be warned! I hereby advise you not to mess with me: I know Karate, Judo, Tai Kwon Do, Jujitsu and 28 other dangerous words. Moreover, I’m a black-belt in Origami, so i am.



Every Hallowe’en, a funeral director that I know, always ties the shoelaces of his clients together, because if there ever really was a zombie apocalypse, then it will be absolutely hilarious! Visit my website www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com