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Saturday, 31 October 2015

O, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practise to deceive!


O, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practise to deceive! This week, we look at infidelity and the ramifications of such actions. This bloke gets home early, only to find his best mate in bed with his missus! Anger takes over, he gets his gun and shot him! His wife looked at him with much disdain and declared, “If you carry on behaving like this, you’re gonna have no friends left!”

Consider this: A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She answers the call; the man looks over at her and listens intently. She is speaking in an ecstatic manner, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really! That's wonderful. I'm dead chuffed for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye-bye." She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?" The woman sez, “That was my husband, telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."


A Wise Investment? A London lawyer representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Albert, I have some good news and, I have some bad news. The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first." The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your missus today, and she informed me that she invested £5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of £15-20 million. I think she could be right." Albert replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary..."


The missus phoned me and screamed: “I’ve found out that you’ve been seeing another woman, you cheating swine! Well, I’m not putting up with it. We’re finished! I’m packing my bags and I’m going to my sisters....” “Fair enough.” I replied. “I’ll see you when you get here....”


Thought for Thursday: It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.


My best mate, Dave passed away last week so I went to see his wife yesterday. I said, "Look on the bright side, at least he's not suffering anymore." She said, "He wasn't ill, he died all of a sudden." I said, "I know, I meant being married to you."


I'll never understand women. They are truly a mass of contradictions. First they say, ”'Size doesn't matter”. Then they're asking “Does my bum look big in this?”


If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website and continue the quest! Email

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