Would acupuncture cure pins and needles?

                                        

I feel sorry for the Manchester City supporters with this rail strike on the day of the cup final, it's okay for the United fans, they are living only around the corner from Wembley.

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of the missus, then asked "is this your wife sir?"  Shocked, I answered:  “Yes.”  They informed me: “I’m afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus". I sez:  "I know, but she has a jovial personality and she’s good with the dogs.”

Dastardly Derek and Barmy Albert were out hunting up Tintwistle  Woods. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching summat.  Derek sez to Albert:  "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can locate you."    After about 3 hours, Albert found that he was really lost. He decided to fire three shots into the air just like Dexy had told him. He then waited an hour and did it again. He repeated this until he was out of ammo.  The next morning, Derek found him with the help of the forest ranger.  He asked Albert if he had followed the instructions.   Albert answered, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."

I’ve always been attracted to older women, primarily because they’ve become used to lifes disappointments.  Which means they are ready for me…

Yesterday, a geezer hit me with his rhythm stick. Now I’m looking for a personal Ian Dury lawyer.

Would acupuncture cure pins and needles?

I’ve become addicted to performing magic tricks. I need to tell the missus, but I’m afraid to pick up a Penn and Teller!

                                         

Last night, I ordered a glass of wine with my dinner and the waiter asked me to show him some I.D.  I asked him if I looked really young and he replied: “No. I’m just checking if you qualify for the O.A.P discount.”

Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora went to the local fair every year. Each year Albert would say, “Nora, I’d like to ride in that helicopter” Nora always replied, “ I know, Albert, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid!” One year Albert and Nora went to the fair, and Albert opined, “Nora, I’m 75 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.” To this, Nora replied, “Albert that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid” The pilot overheard the couple and said, “ Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the pair of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire flight and don’t say a word, I won’t charge you a shilling! But if you say one word, it’ll cost you fifty pounds.” “Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora agreed and up they went. The pilot did all manner of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks, even flying upside down. When they landed, the pilot turned to Albert and said, “By jingo, I did everything I could to get you to scream out, but you didn’t. I’m so impressed!” Albert replied, “Well, to tell you the truth I almost said summat when Nora fell out, but fifty quid is fifty quid!”

                       

I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back further because he was amazed at how far back I'd stepped, primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are. But no, not me. No sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me!