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Wednesday 10 May 2023

Parting is such sweet sorrow....


By the time you read this, I’ll be cruising around the Norwegian Fjords on the magnificent vessel that is Anthem of the Seas. She is the second ship in Royal Caribbean's Quantum-class, and was the newest ship in the fleet. Royal Caribbean takes great pride in designing their ships with what they call a "wow" factor... and this ship was certainly full of unusual and innovative features that you won't find on most other cruise ships. The most iconic feature of Anthem of the Seas (and her sister ship, Quantum Of The Seas) is the aerial viewing pod known as "NorthStar"...

Whenever someone sez to you "I’m not book clever, but I’m street smart", all I hear is "I’m not real clever, but I’m imaginary smart". Indeed, the books they already possess have all been coloured in with crayons.


It becomes evident that you've put on a lot of weight, when you sit in the bath and the water in the toilet rises. I’ve put on loads of weight lately. My doctor reckons that I have an overactive knife and fork. Mind you, I’ve had a lot on my plate lately. However, I still light up the room, as soon as I move away from the window.

On the same subject, I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to get lost! Anybody who fits into my clothes, certainly ain’t starving!



In an attempt to broaden my knowledge, I’ve joined a wine club. We meet at 9 am in the local park each morning.

The easy way to teach children the value of money is to borrow from them.

The missus sez: "If you follow me upstairs, I'm gonna put on a little black lace number..."  I went into the bedroom and she was playing 'Agaddoo.' on her ipod!  

A tired young doctor got off a night shift at the hospital and stepped into a bar called "Dick's" across the street for a drink. "Hey what can I get you?" asked Dick. "How about a daiquiri?" The bartender makes a drink and slides it down the bar. He takes a sip and loves it. "Whoa! That's great. What's your secret?" "A little bit of almond extract. Gives it a little something extra." The two hit it off and a lifelong friendship develops. One night the doctor enters and like clockwork the bartender goes to make his favourite drink only to realize that all the almond extract is gone. Thinking on his feet he substitutes it with a little hickory on hand. The doctor takes a sip. A little confused, he takes another... "Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?" "No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."


Barmy Albert asked Non-Stick Nora: “Have you ever heard of Murphy’s Law?” Nora sez: “No. What is it?” Albert replies: “If something can go wrong, it will go wrong.” Nora asked: “Have you ever heard of Cole’s Law?” “No. What is it?” Nora answers: “Thinly sliced raw cabbage with a mayonnaise dressing.”

I see folk mountain climbing and zip lining and here I am feeling good about myself because I got my leg through my undercrackers without falling over!

A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids... 'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours? 'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats. 'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.' 'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.' 'OK, and who's next?' 'Well, this one he is Terry, also. The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terry?' Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.' The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?' 'I call them by their surnames!'


I am away on abroad gigs now until the end of July, when hopefully this column will return. Have a wonderful summer and get the BBQ cranked up because it’ll be crackin’ the flags!

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