Call me jejune, but given the choice I’d want a simple wedding. No church, no vicar, no fancy banqueting suite, no flowers, no bridesmaids, no expensive wedding suit, no guests, but most importantly, no wife. Furthermore, I’ve decided that I’m giving up Lent for alcohol.
Barmy Albert likes to play his wedding video backwards to the bit where Non-Stick Nora gets into the limousine and goes back to her mother.
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said, "What are you doing with those?" He looked her in the eye and said, "This isn’t going to take all day, is it?"
At the wedding ceremony the vicar asked: “If anyone has anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom, they should speak now, or forever hold their peace”. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She stood up and started walking slowly towards the vicar. Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride threw her bouquet into the font and started sobbing. Then slowly, the groom’s mother fainted. The best man started sweating and everyone was giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save this embarrassing scenario. The vicar asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward? What do you have to say?" There was absolute silence in the church. You could've heard a cockroach fart. The woman replied: "We can't hear at the back!”
Of course, marriage is akin to a deck of cards. You start off with two hearts and a diamond, then ten years down the line, you wish you had a club and a spade. Then again, on the flipside, divorce is like algebra. You look at the X and think Y.
A neurotic friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive insecurity alert…
Had Domino’s for tea last night. Unfortunately, I broke my tooth on double six. Another dental appointment. I asked the dentist what she would recommend for yellow teeth. She sez: “How about a brown tie…”
When I visited Taiwan, I bought a pair of shoes. Underneath, on the sole, it said 'Made round the corner'...
Fascinating Fact: Until you've learned to drive a car, you've never really learned how to swear properly.
Our oven has broken down more times than I’ve had hot dinners!
I worked at Fisons Fertilisers Football Club at Fiddlers Ferry with a band called Smelly Kelly and The Subway Sniffers and I asked the keyboards player at the gig “Can you play Strawberry Fields Forever?” He said, “No, after a few hours my fingers get tired.” Apparently, the drummer in the group had inadvertently locked the keys in his car and they couldn’t get the bass player out. Some musicians can’t read music. This lot couldn’t read the lyrics!
I honestly thought that I’d stumbled across the graves of a thousand snowmen yesterday. However, upon further inspection, I was stood in a field of carrots....
Whilst walking the dogs around Scropton Street Park, I had a conversation with the council worker who emptied the bins that contained all the dog poo and I asked him what process this waste went through. He informed me that all the doggy poo was put into a machine and then was recycled. I was amazed! I asked him what it was recycled into and he replied “we make Traffic Wardens out of it….”