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Sunday, 12 March 2023

The first three minutes....


I’ve just read an article in this very newspaper about the first three minutes when you are born.  They reckon that this is the most dangerous time in anyone's life.  The last three minutes can't be all that clever either....


I have a strong will but a weak won't.


I once met this girl and took her home to meet my parents. My dad whispered to me, "Where the hell did you find her? She's cross eyed, bald, bow legged and she's got no teeth." I said, "There's no need to whisper Dad, she's deaf as well.”


I’ve always thought that restaurant toilets are very dangerous places. So many of my dates have gone to use them and just vanished, never to be seen ever again….


The maitre d asked me “How do you like your steak, sir?” I sez: “Just like winning an argument with the wife.” He replied; “Rare it is then, sir!”


Fascinating fact: French fries didn’t originate in France. They were cooked in Greece first…


Thought for Thursday: Whenever you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner…


You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint.



The missus wants a divorce because of my obsession with metaphors. It was a bolt out of the blue. It took the wind right out of my sails. You could have knocked me down with feather.

I asked the wife to assist me in putting some posts in the ground for the new fence. I passed her the lump hammer and I sez: “When I nod my head, you hit it.” I don’t recollect very much after that….

Barmy Albert was still bladdered after the stripper and meat raffle evening up The Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife Pub and he ponged like a brewery and flopped down on Scropton Street Subway next to a priest. His scarf was covered in dog hairs and Guinness, his face was plastered with Non-Stick Nora's bright red lipstick and a half-empty bottle of Absinthe was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, Albert turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest seeing a chance to give a quick sermon. "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, Too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with trollops and lack of a bath.” Albert muttered in response, "Well, I'll be blown over by a copper pot!" Then returned to his newspaper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged Albert and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" Barmy Albert sez: "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."


An old Yorkshire bloke is lying in his deathbed and in a trembling voice, he asks: “Is my wife here?” She replied: “Yes, I am here…” He then rasped: “Are all my children here?” In unison they all sez: “Yes, we are all here, father…” He then gasped: “Are all my grandchildren here?” They replied: “Yes, grandad, we are all here…” He then uttered his final words afore he shuffled off this mortal coil. He asked: “Then why is the scullery light still on?”

Non-Stick Nora came home to find Barmy Albert in the kitchenette preparing a special candlelit gourmet meal. He was using the best China and cutlery and had set elaborate place settings for two. "Oooh! This is a really nice surprise," she whispered. "Too flamin’ right it is," Albert replied, "I didn't expect you back until Wednesday."

I phoned the RSPCA. She sez: “Can I help you?” I replied: "Yes there's a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan." She sez: "I don't believe you." I replied: "Well, you'll just have to take my whirred ferret."

A blonde school teacher notices a little fat boy in the field standing all alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. ‘You okay?’ she says. ‘Yes.’ he says. ‘You can go and play with the other kids you know’ she says. ‘It’s best I stay here.’ he says. ‘Why?’ says asks blonde. The boy says: "Because I’m the flippin’ goalkeeper!"


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