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Sunday 14 April 2013

The Going....

Parting is such sweet sorrow. This will be my last column for a while, as I am away until the autumn. This year, I shall be working on two different Carnival cruise liners, the Legend and the Sunshine. You may have seen these magnificent vessels on the recent Carnival TV ads. Copious exotic destinations beckon and in between cruises, this summer, I will also be performing at the fantastic Warner Leisure Hotels, where the audiences are an absolute joy to work to. I’m at Boddelwyddan Castle, in St Asaph, Alvaston Hall, Nantwich, Thoresby Hall, Nottingham and Nidd Hall in Harrogate. I used to have a girlfriend in Harrogate. No that’s not right. I used to have a girlfriend who thought I was inadequate! Yeah, that’s it!

David Cameron has said that the United Kingdom is fully prepared in the event of any nuclear attacks from North Korea. This sounds ominous, as we weren't even prepared for snow this winter.

Millwall FC will mark the passing of Margaret Thatcher this Saturday with a minutes violence...

The inventor of VELCRO died today, George Mestral. RIIIIP!

Still on the subject of summer jollies, a man sent an email to a small hotel in a High Peak village that he planned to visit this summer. He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed, also very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who emailed: “Dear Sir, I've been running this hotel for twenty years. In all that time, I've never had a dog nick any towels, bedclothes, 32” Plasma TV’s, cutlery, silverware or portraits off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. Moreover, I've never had a dog disappear without settling the hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is very welcome at my hotel. Furthermore, if your dog will vouch for you, then you are welcome to stay here as well."

The missus found out I was having a dalliance with the barmaid of our local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife. She packed my bags and screamed, “I want you to leave!” I pleaded with her and begged that she was being too hasty and we should discuss the matter further. “Go on then, I’m listening.” She opined. I sat at the table and confessed, “It was the most incredible experience of my whole life!” That’s all I can remember!

We’d had a terrible argument the night before. She was whinging about her putting on so much weight recently, and I innocently said, “Maybe you should eat a little less, darling" She took the huff and shouted, "What's THAT supposed to mean?" I looked at her and replied,  "It's a pronoun used to indicate a thing, concept, person,  condition, happening, chronology, or maybe a remark".

I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke. For more BIG jokes, just visit my website or email me: Now, get back to work!

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