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Sunday 10 March 2013

Let Us Prey.....

The missus came home to find me in the scullery preparing a special candlelit gourmet meal. I was using our best china and had set elaborate place settings for two. "Oh this is a really nice surprise," she whispered. "Too flamin’ right it is," I replied, "I didn't expect you back until Wednesday."

Barmy Albert had shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a GP’s surgery should appreciate this. Doesn't it seem more and more that doctors are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Albert: He walked into the doctor's and the receptionist asked him what he had. Albert replied, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, HHI number and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later a nurse came out and asked him what he had. Albert said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told himto wait in the examining room. A half hour later another nurse came in and asked Albert what he had. He said, 'Shingles' So the nurse gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Albert to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Albert sitting patiently in the nude and asked him what the problem was. Barmy Albert curtly informed him, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where? Albert said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?'

Bonnie Tyler has been chosen to represent the UK in the Eurovision song contest. I'm holding out for a zero. I have her voice in the car on my Sat-Nav. It keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then, it falls apart!

The odd-job man I hired yesterday was a total waste of time. I gave him a list of 8 jobs to do and when I got back, he'd only done 1,3, 5 and 7.

One man sez to the other, “What is a dilemma, actually?” He replied, “Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that ..... Imagine that you are laying in a big bed with Kylie Minogue on one side and Micheal Barrymore on the other ...... Who are you going to turn your back on?

My sister called me a lazy twat when she came to my house yesterday. On a more positive note and definitely on the plus side though, she took down the Christmas tree.

Joke of the week: A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, 'Who the hell was that?' 'Oh,'replies the husband, 'she's my mistress.' 'Well, that's the last straw,'says the wife. 'I've had enough, I want a divorce.' 'I can understand that,' replies her husband, 'but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the  garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.' Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. 'Who's that woman with Jim?' asks the wife.   That's his mistress,' says her husband. 'Ours is prettier,' she replies...

This humour column may exacerbate chronic halitosis, mental aberration, repetitive spasmodic squinting. Imflamed haemorrhoids could hang down lower than a beggars cap. It will enhance Joggers Nipple, Strapadichtomy, Tourettes and Varicose Brain Syndrome. For further jocular clarification, why not visit my website. Just clickety-click on You can also email me: Now, get back to work!

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