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Sunday 31 March 2013

Happy Easter Innit!

The North Korean pole vaulting champion broke the world pole vaulting record yesterday. He is now the South Korean pole vaulting champion.

I was complimenting the young lady who lives at the end of our street on her choice of new underwear, but then it suddenly dawned on me that she can't hear me through my binoculars.

Gary Neville's father, Neville Neville has been arrested on sexual assault charges. If he carries on like this, then he is going to get himself a bad name....

Breaking News: A man died at a chocolate factory in the Midlands yesterday. Apparently, a pallet load of boxes toppled over and crushed him. An eye-witness said, “He shouted, ‘The Milky Bars are on me’ However, everyone just cheered and threw their hats in the air!”

I find all this compensation culture in today’s society most disconcerting. I read in the newspaper yesterday that a woman is suing her local hospital because after her husband was treated there, he lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman said today, “He was admitted into the Ophthalmology Dept. All we did was correct his eyesight.”

A Manchester based solicitor called Milton successfully defended a major criminal from charges of dealing drugs, murder, kidnapping, and fraud. As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabbed him by the lapel. "Young man, where are your Christian scruples? I sincerely believe you would defend Satan himself!" "I don't know," Milton replied, "what has your kid done?"

Whilst picking up my car from the repair garage last week, a large motor home was towed onto the forecourt. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like it had fallen from a great height." I asked the mechanic what had happened. Apparently,the driver had set the "Cruise Control" and then casually strolled in the back to make a pot of tea!

I was driving through North Wales with a friend of mine, who is dyslexic. Upon observing the road signs, he shouted, “Hallelujah! I’m cured!”

Over Easter weekend, I visited B & Q and the fella at the check-out in front of me had a tube of ‘No More Nails’ and a hammer! Inside the store, there was a banner advertising "Stainless Steel Sinks" and I thought “I already know that.” You couldn’t make it up! Could you?

While I was in the bank with the missus, this bloke locked the door, put a balaclava on, took a gun out and screamed “This is a holdup!” He asked the first guy in the queue, “Did you see my face, before I covered it?” The man said, “Yes” so he shot him! He turned to me and said “Did you see my face?” I sez, “No, I didn't, but the wife did.”

Are you exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? Sure you are, but no, not me! No sirree. I like the same old boring jokes and that's why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: or better still email me: Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me! Start the car!

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