Tesco Launches New Product...

Last weekend, I invited a mate back home for dinner. The missus screamed, "I've not done my hair, not done my make-up, I ain’t done any housework, not done the dishes and I can't be bothered with cooking! What the hell did you bring him back here for?" I said, "Because he's thinking of getting married." 

I got talking to a girl at the bar. "So," she said. "What do you dislike about yourself?"
I replied, "I often mislead people." "Really?" she asked. I said, "No."

Barmy Albert caught his wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his wife and says "Don't bother laughing, your next!"

Top Tip: You can't taste the horse meat if you smother it in mascarpone sauce...

Fascinating Fact: After years of research, scientists at the University of Manchester Institute of Science & Technology have discovered what makes a woman happy. Nothing.

Sometimes you just cannot win. I thought I'd be a proper gentleman and hold the door open for a young lady. Just two minutes later she said, "Will you go away and shut the toilet door!"

I spotted a white Transit van on the High Street yesterday. It was covered in muck and some wag had written in the dirt, "I wish my wife was as dirty as this van". I wrote "I bet she is - when you’re at work!"

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two old gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose? 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while a student nurse, found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly agreed to be wheeled to the lift. On the way down the nurse asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'Dunno,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me: comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work. Spring has sprung!