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Friday 22 February 2013

Having a few Britney Spears down the Battle Cruiser....

The threat of a massive influx of Bulgarian and Romanian migrants entering the UK next year has eased slightly after it was confirmed that we've now eaten all their transport....

The missus was in a car accident. She said the bloke was speaking on his phone, eating a sandwich and drinking beer. Apparently, the policeman said, "He could do whatever he liked in his own conservatory!"

Whilst doing a gig at a London hotel recently, there was a wedding reception taking place in another function suite. I said to the person next to me, “That’s the ugliest bride I have ever seen.” “I beg your pardon!” came the reply, “That happens to be my daughter!” I apologised and said, “I’m sorry, I had no idea you were her father.” “I’m not!” came the retort, “I’m her mother!” Oh dear. Hat and coat time already....

I visited the opticians on the High Street yesterday. Told him I can see seven years into the future. He reckons I've got 2020 vision!

I was in my local pub, The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife with the missus on Valentines night and I whispered: "I love you, truly madly, deeply." She replied; "Is that you or the beer talking?" I said: "It's me talking to the beer". I had to get a present for Valentines Day, and I've found summat that the missus looks really good in. The distance!

Archbishop Angelo Si Scola of Milan, 71, is rumoured to be the possible successor to Pope Benedict. So it's true then! The next pontiff will be known as Pope Si Scola! You couldn't make it up!

Ladies. Listen up! If I make you breakfast in bed, then a simple ‘Thank you’ is all I need in return. Not all this ‘How the hell did you get in my house’ business. Okay. Rant over!

Last Monday, someone whacked me over the cranium with a power tool. I was sat there minding me own
business, when all of a sudden, Bosch!

I was languishing in the pub the other night and heard three girls, with an overabundance of flesh, and who could only be described as being ‘on the avante garde side of petite’ talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be possess a celtic brogue, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them screeched, "It's WALES, you flamin’ idiot!" So I unreservedly apologised and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" And that's the last thing I remember.

If you don't do anything else today, be sure to tell someone about Austin Knight and this crazeridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer, and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the under water gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! You can email me:
 Now, get back to work!

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