Whilst doing a gig last week at the London Hilton, I bumped into QPR manager Harry Redknapp on the third floor in the lift. I said “Going down, Harry?” He gazed at me with a saturnine grimace and replied “Flamin’ well looks like it, don’t it!” He should have done some forward planning and planted some spuds round the pitch. Then at least he would have had summat to pick up at the end of the season....
Despite feminism, wimmin still attend to domestic chores. It was just on BBC News that 1,000's of birds are washing up on the south coast.
Barmy Albert was working in Tesco stacking shelves, when he encountered a woman he was courting via an internet dating website. This embarrassing scenario occurred whilst he was rearranging the washing powder in aisle number eight. With all the dignity she could muster, she opined, “Albert, when we first met, you told me you were a stunt pilot, you lying scoundrel!" To which Albert replied "No I didn’t. I told you I was part of the Ariel display team." Personally, I'd never join one of those online dating services. I much sooner prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. Through alcohol and poor judgement.
A delivery bloke knocked on my door yesterday morning and announced, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate."
Fascinating Fact: Statistics prove that one in every three women are just as difficult and argumentative as the other two...
I would like to advise all the people who received a book from me in December as a Christmas present, that they are due to be returned to Glossop library today.
I visited my doctor with regard to my chronic deafness and acute hearing loss. He gave me a thorough examination and prescribed some medicine and told me to take two drops per day in my beer. I've been doing it for over a week now and I still haven't noticed any improvement.
Our neighbours dog pooed in our garden, so the missus told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence. I don't see what this has solved, because, now we've got dog poo in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.
Thought for Thursday: You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint. My dad was never very proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
If you don't do anything else today, be sure to tell someone about Austin Knight and this crazeridden newspaper column! Spread the gospel around the local pub, the lap dancing bar, the dole office, on the train coming back from community service, on the bus returning from visiting your probation officer, and at 30,000 leagues beneath the sea. Okay, forget about the under water gubbins but do all the rest, that's an order! Visit my website too! www.ComedianUK.com You can email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!
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