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Monday 18 February 2013

Divorce is like algebra. You look at the X and think Y....

After thirty one years of marriage. Barmy Albert dumped his wife for a younger woman. His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Albert and Non-Stick Nora’s home and since Albert’s lawyers were quite efficient, he prevailed. He gave Nora his now ex-wife just three days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.

On the second day she had to removal men come and collect her chattels. On the third day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When Barmy Albert returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the house began to smell. The pong was so strong, it would have knocked a buzzard off a tip! They tried everything cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. Nowt seemed to work. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house.
Even the home help quit. Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later even though they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local estate agents refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Non-Stick Nora called Barmy Albert and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about one tenth of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later Barmy Albert and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the removal company pack everything to take to their new home. Including the curtain rods.....

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