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Sunday 10 February 2013

It doesn't last furlong....

                                         Try Findus Lasagne, with a dash of Red Rum...

Findus Fish Fingers have been DNA tested and found to contain Sea Horse!  Incredible!

My doctor sez that I should watch what I eat, so I'm off to Aintree racecourse tomorrow.

A strange bloke honked his horn and waved at me yesterday morning. "Who the hell is that?" I thought, as I stood there, sporting an inane grin. Then he did it again. So I slowly walked towards him and looked through the windscreen, but I still didn't recognise him. As he stepped out of the car I said, "Do I know you, mate?" He said, "Get out of the middle of the flamin’ road, you moron!"

Some scallywag whacked me over the cranium with a power tool yesterday. I was sat there minding me own business, then Bosch!

Breaking News: Medical researchers have announced today that they have discovered a hitherto unknown malady, which has no symptoms whatsoever. It is impossible to detect and has no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported as yet....

The missus wants a divorce because of my obsession with metaphors. It was a bolt out of the blue. It took the wind right out of my sails. You could have knocked me down with feather.

Barmy Albert came back from hospital yesterday and told me: "I've got the Big C". "Cancer?" I asked, "No" he replied, "Dyslexia"....

Perhaps the kids of today will start paying more attention to history, now that they know  that Richard III, a famous monarch was buried in the exact same place where they were conceived. Moreover, they found his horse, which was buried on Tesco’s car park. Fascinating innit!

My sister called me a lazy, dilatory, bone-idle, good-for-nothing cretin, when she came to visit me at my house over the weekend. On a more positive note and definitely on the plus side though, she took down the Christmas tree.

We were dressed and ready to go to a party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi duly arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long", I said, as we drove away. "That stupid old thing was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her backside with a wire coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She'd better not urinate in the vegetable garden again!" The silence in the cab was deafening.

Breaking News: The author of the book "Childish Retorts" died today. RIP Ewan Whosarmy

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Email me: Now, get back to work Top of Form

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