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Sunday 24 March 2013

Hippo Eats Dwarf!

Barmy Albert had to appear in court as a witness to a road traffic accident last week.  The magistrate asked Albert who he thought was to blame for the head-on collision that occurred.  Albert thought for a minute and said, “Well as far as I could tell, I think they both hit each other at exactly the same time.”

A pretty little girl named Suzy was sitting on the pavement in front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny fluffy creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing ‘FREE KITTENS.’ Suddenly an entourage of big limousines pulled up beside her.  Out of the first car stepped a grinning man. "Hi there little girl, I'm the leader of the Labour Party, Ed Miliband.  What do you have in the basket?" he asked.  "Kittens," little Suzy said.  "How old are they?" asked Miliband.  Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."  "And what kind of kittens are they?"  "Labour supporters," answered Suzy with a smile. Miliband was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.  Recognising the perfect photo opportunity, the two of them agreed that he should return the next day; and in front of the assembled world media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.  So the next day, Suzy was again on the pavement with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when Miliband's motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, ABC, CNN and Sky News,  Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Miliband got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy. "Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away." "Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're UKIP supporters.” 
Taken by surprise, Ed stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were LABOUR SUPPORTERS."  Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know, but today, they’ve opened their eyes."

Finished and Complete: No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. Some folk maintain that there is no difference whatsoever between ‘Complete’ and ‘Finished’. However, I beg to differ. Here is my astute answer:  When you marry the right woman, you are ‘Complete’. And when you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘Finished.’  And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!

Thought for Thursday: I’ve just been wondering what "Please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille.

Wit is often a mask. If you could peer behind its gossamer façade, you would find either genius irritated or cleverness wriggling. That’s why you should never let your mind wander. Summat that small shouldn’t be out on its own.  Nurse, fetch the screens! Visit my website: or email me:   Now, assume a comical position,then strike the pose! 

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