Cynthia Slopbouquet was at The Trafford Centre on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect Prada shoes in the first shop and a beautiful Yves Saint Laurent dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything she spotted was reduced by fifty percent. Then her iPhone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. Cynthia asked the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible. As she hung up, she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the designer boutiques. She decided to hit a couple of more fashion emporiums on the way to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of frothy latte and a slice of yummy chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then, she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband’s condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you? I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life, he will require round-the-clock care. And taking care of him will now be your career!” Cynthia was feeling so overwhelmed with guilt that she broke down and began sobbing. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, “I’m just pulling your leg. He’s dead. Show me what shoes you bought.”Whilst appearing at a local gig recently, a fella came up to me after the show and offered me five thousand quid to speak at a black-tie charity dinner in London for the Brittle Bone Society. Well, I snapped his hand off!
What is it with trainspotters these days? I counted 26 of them this morning. After that, I spotted an albino dalmatian in the park. I thought it was the least I could do! When I got back home, I found out I've failed my online German exam. Sacre bleu!
Behind every husband who thinks he wears the pants. Is a wife who told him which pants to wear. My wife’s intuition is so highly developed that she knows I’m wrong before I’ve even opened my mouth!
Barmy Albert was on holiday with Non-Stick Nora and he sez to her: "I bet you'd like to see where Dick Turpin lived?" Nora replied: "Sure would". Albert sez: "No, that's Robin Hood".
Why do we say: “I slept like a baby.” When babies wake up every two hours crying and wailing, need nappies changing and want feeding. I want to sleep like a cat: fourteen hours, no responsibilities, zero regrets. Don’t ask meow!
I tried out one of those apps that show you what you would look like as an old person. It’s called camera! Doncha just love technology! I asked Alexa to check my bank balance and to advise me which Apple product I could afford. Alexa told me: “Apple juice!”
Fascinating Fact: When Lord Nelson passed away, he was five feet tall. However, his statue in Trafalgar Square in London is fifteen feet tall. That’s Horatio of 3:1
If you ever need me then I’m always just four missed calls, five text messages and a couple of Whatsapp away. Furthermore, you can visit my website. Just click on: www.comedianUK.com or email me: comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!
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