Yesterday, I spotted a pair of teenagers snogging in the park. It reminded me of my teenage days when I used to see other teenagers snogging in the park…
This little kid was throwing a tantrum in Tesco because his mum wouldn’t buy him a bar of chocolate. So, I bought one and ate it in front of him…
You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after they’ve won the game, well that’s not allowed in bowls. Moreover, if you have an umpire in cricket and a referee in football, then what do you have in bowls? I asked Elsie Grabknuckle and she sez: “Goldfish!”
I sez to the missus: "Where did you get that bass guitar?" She replied: "Next door." I sez: "But you can't play the bass guitar." She thought for a moment and told me: "I know, but neither can he."
Just when you’re on a strict diet and trying to resist temptation and you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone. Then BOOM! Onion rings...
Non-Stick Nora told Barmy Albert: I wish that I was a newspaper, so I would be in your hands all day.”
Albert replied: I too wish that you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one every day!” That’s when the fight started!
When I returned home from a gig last week, the wife was whispering softly in the house. I asked her if she had laryngitis or a sore throat. She sez: “Zuckerberg is listening in to all our private conversations and stealing data for their files!” I couldn’t stop laughing at this absurd notion. Then Alexa laughed and Siri laughed and a Tesla that was driving past laughed!
With frightening similarities to the iconic horror filum The Omen, Non-Stick Nora took her grandson Damien to the Scropton Street Cafeteria and Eaterie, and asked the precocious seven-year old what he would like for his breakfast. The kid replied with a loud and commanding voice: “I wish to devour the unborn!” There followed a stunning silence, as everyone in the café turned and stared at them. An embarrassed Nora quickly told the waitress: “Eggs. He’d like some eggs!”
I sauntered into Costa Coffee in Edinburgh last week and asked the barista for a latte with oat milk. In a thick Scottish accent, the poor lad managed to say (With a straight face.); “Sir, I’m sorry, but I cannae make a latte withoot milk!” As I was gazing at the pastry and sweet selection, I asked him: “Is that an éclair or a meringue?” He replied: “No. You’re right, it’s an éclair!”
The bloke who stole my diary sadly passed away yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. I’d also like to tell the scurrilous individual who stole my Scalextric. What goes around…..
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A628 Woodhead Pass recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with Lorries, while only 2% were killed by cars. The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry." You couldn’t make it up! Could you?
Fascinating Facts; English is the only language where you drive in parkways and park in driveways. It's also the only language where you recite in a play and play in a recital. Furthermore, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal until the pressure got to him
If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com
When I returned home from a gig last week, the wife was whispering softly in the house. I asked her if she had laryngitis or a sore throat. She sez: “Zuckerberg is listening in to all our private conversations and stealing data for their files!” I couldn’t stop laughing at this absurd notion. Then Alexa laughed and Siri laughed and a Tesla that was driving past laughed!
With frightening similarities to the iconic horror filum The Omen, Non-Stick Nora took her grandson Damien to the Scropton Street Cafeteria and Eaterie, and asked the precocious seven-year old what he would like for his breakfast. The kid replied with a loud and commanding voice: “I wish to devour the unborn!” There followed a stunning silence, as everyone in the café turned and stared at them. An embarrassed Nora quickly told the waitress: “Eggs. He’d like some eggs!”
I sauntered into Costa Coffee in Edinburgh last week and asked the barista for a latte with oat milk. In a thick Scottish accent, the poor lad managed to say (With a straight face.); “Sir, I’m sorry, but I cannae make a latte withoot milk!” As I was gazing at the pastry and sweet selection, I asked him: “Is that an éclair or a meringue?” He replied: “No. You’re right, it’s an éclair!”
The bloke who stole my diary sadly passed away yesterday. My thoughts are with his family. I’d also like to tell the scurrilous individual who stole my Scalextric. What goes around…..
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A628 Woodhead Pass recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with Lorries, while only 2% were killed by cars. The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry." You couldn’t make it up! Could you?
Fascinating Facts; English is the only language where you drive in parkways and park in driveways. It's also the only language where you recite in a play and play in a recital. Furthermore, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal until the pressure got to him
If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com
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